Fox News Actually Reality Show Giving Americans Live Look Into Mental Health Facility

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. apologized for any confusion and announced Fox News was not a news network and never had been. The parent company of the non-news network declared Fox News was actually a bold reality show giving Americans a live look into the world of people so mentally ill they needed to reside in a mental health facility for the safety of others and themselves.

"Fox News has never been a legitimate source of news, and has always been a brutal look into the world of hate, fear, paranoia, and perceived victimization that severely mentally-ill individuals live in. It's parent company is Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. That should tell you all you need to know," explained Fox News spokesperson Debra Wolves, who asked TNA's reporter to place sharp objects in a bucket before entering the Fox News building.


Republicans Try to Link Abortions, Vaginas, Dead Storks During Hearing

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT-03) denounced Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards' "uncooperative attitude" during the Planned Parenthood hearing earlier today. Chaffetz and his male Republican peers were very critical of Richards for denying that abortion led to an "angry, raging vagina" that killed the stork created by God to deliver the child to its parents.

"The evidence is as clear as day, and Richards' simply ignored it. Stork deaths have risen steadily with abortions performed in the United States. I have three kids, and I know where they all came from," stated Chaffetz. "Friendly vaginas and living storks."

Congressional Teabaggers to Punish Poor, Sick, Elderly, Vets, Others

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Congressional Teabagger Caucus warned Americans it would punish the poor, sick, elderly, veterans, starving children, and many other groups if Democrats and President Obama did not allow teabaggers to punish women by defunding Planned Parenthood. The right-wing extremist faction of the Republican Party - the self-proclaimed "party of fiscal responsibility" - assured all Americans it would disrupt benefits to the most vulnerable members of American society, and actually cost taxpayers more money by shutting down the government in less than two days if it did not get what it wanted.
"You want proof the government doesn't work? Keep electing teabaggers like me so we can shut the government down, and callously play with the lives of Americans who rely on government social programs. Oh, and we're not too keen on paying for things the government has already used," stated Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX-01), who also announced he wanted to be House Speaker John Boehner's (R-OH-08) successor.


Bigoted Kentucky Woman Awarded Bigot Plaque, Displays Award at Work

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Last week, a bigoted Kentucky woman who has been breaking federal law and disrespecting the supreme authority of the Constitution since late June - all because she hates "the gays" - was awarded a plaque by a well-known national bigoted organization for being a prominent bigot in 2015. Today, the notable bigot displayed her bigot plaque in the office where she continued to not do her job, and returned to making a mockery of the rule of law while she hid behind her religion to continue being bigoted.

"I think people should be able to walk into my place of employment and be able to quickly determine what kind of person I am. Hanging my bigot plaque shows people how petty and dangerous I am to a society genuinely interested in fairness and equality under the law," stated the Kentucky bigot, who refused to be kept out of even a single 24-hour news cycle.


Corporate Media Upset Unapproved Candidate Bernie Sanders Doing Well

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the corporate media in the United States announced it was "upset" unapproved Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont was "doing well," and seemed to be reaching Americans with his populist progressive message despite their overt efforts to pretend he did not exist. The decidedly right-wing corporate media also asserted it was "shocked" the narrative for the presidential election was not going the way it had planned, as Sanders continued to beat Hillary Clinton in various polls.

"Hillary Clinton and some loon from the Republican Party are supposed to go head-to-head in 2016 for the presidency. Bernie Sanders is interfering with the version of American democracy the corporate media approves of, namely the kind that is dependent on rich donors and purchased politicians," explained Roger Ailes, Fox "News" puppet master and expert deployer of smoke and mirrors.


Pentagon Defends F-35 Over Wings Randomly Falling Off "Glitch"

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter defended the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter from critics who claimed the aircraft's wings randomly falling off was "a serious and potentially dangerous design flaw." Lockheed Martin announced it was "looking into the alleged wing malfunction," and would require "no less than another billion or so" to remedy what it classified as "a low-priority design glitch."

"The F-35 is just going through some growing pains right now, and Lockheed Martin has promised to design a fix for the wings randomly falling off within 24 months," stated Carter, who pointed out the turnaround time was "amazing considering all the other delays."


Man in Major Medical Debt Criticizes Bernie's Gun Record, Supports Trump

American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man with serious health problems and crippling medical debt announced Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont may have progressive policy solutions to help him avoid financial ruin, disability, and death, but he disliked Sanders' record on guns. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, cited Sanders' NRA rating of "D-" as the reason why he openly supported Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump, "who always says what is on his mind and tells it how it is."

"I know Bernie Sanders wants to expand Medicaid and provide healthcare to all American citizens, but his record on gun control disqualifies him in my book. It really doesn't matter that Sanders is definitely the candidate who cares the most about making healthcare affordable for people like me, and keeping my family from financial ruin," stated Basil, who confessed he owned at least one unregistered - and thus illegal - firearm.


Conservative Propaganda Outlets Demand Vatican Regime Change

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, conservative propaganda outlets led by Fox News demanded Congress declare war on Vatican City and force President Obama to invade the sovereign state in order to remove its "dangerous leftist leader" Pope Francis. The conservative rallying cry for regime change followed the pontiff's address to a joint session of Congress and his criticism of the greed of unrestricted capitalism, the dangerous ignorance of climate change doubters, and the lack of compassion for, and government support of, society's most vulnerable groups - like the poor.

"Who does this pope think he is calling conservatives out for being the greedy, callous hypocrites we know ourselves to be?" asked Fox News talking head and expert bully of the poor Stuart Varney. "In our America, people have the liberty to become poor and be shamed rather than helped, because conservatives know how to motivate the poor to get a job and stop being government leeches."


Millennials Painfully Aware of How Much Needs Fixing in Wake of "Most Selfish Generation"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, American millennials reflected on how many things needed to be fixed in the wake of their parents, which they concluded were members of the "Most Selfish Generation" in American history. Millennials realized the Most Selfish Generation was giving them "a colossal mess to clean up" due to its refusal to pay for anything it uses, its conscious decision not to invest in any future projects other than military expenditures, and its embrace of social conflicts meant to distract Americans while the super-rich rob everyone else in broad daylight and exacerbate economic inequality.

"Millennials are inheriting an America with a crumbling infrastructure, sabotaged social safety net, and a society at war with itself. At first, we thought it was all a test our parents concocted to show millennials what being extremely irresponsible looked like so we could do the opposite and be responsible stewards of the republic. Now millennials know better," stated Alexander Hathaway, president of the nonprofit group Save America from the Most Selfish Generation.


GOP to Defund Dept. of Reality After "Shutdown Bad for Economy" Report

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the U.S. Department of Reality released a report warning Congressional Republicans a government shutdown would disrupt significant government spending and harm an already weak economy. Republicans responded to the "Shutdown Bad for Economy" report by ignoring the estimated $24 billion price tag from the 2013 government shutdown, and vowing to defund the Department of Reality for "using facts to advance a partisan agenda."

"If Republicans shut down the government over something absurd, like doctored Planned Parenthood videos, most of the money the federal government regularly puts into the economy, which is a ton, will dry up. That will result in a ripple effect hurting individual Americans and businesses alike in our struggling economy," stated Secretary of Reality Horace Green.


Scott Walker Ends Candidacy to Destroy America's Economy

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This evening, Republican presidential candidate and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was ending his candidacy to destroy America's economy by means of trickle-down economics. A somber Walker asserted he had reached his decision "due to a complete lack of interest in me nationally. Heck, even the Koch brothers aren't returning my calls anymore, and I purposely destroyed Wisconsin's economy for them."

"Well, it looks like the American people are pretty clear on not supporting me. I guess I cannot blame them. Everyone knows trickle-down economics was a fraud the moment it was first conceived," declared Walker, as his eyes filled with tears. Walker pulled himself together and continued, "I am so ashamed I let David and Charles Koch down. They are totally going to take my allowance away now."

Fiorina Seeks USS Ronald Reagan as Golden Parachute When Impeached

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and fired Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her desire to have the USS Ronald Reagan - a Nimitz-class supercarrier - as "a golden parachute" when Congress impeached her for gross incompetence as president. Fiorina also continued to hit back at her critics by claiming she could not be considered a failed CEO at HP due to the fact she walked away with about $21 million if she promised never to return.

"My golden parachute from HP was over $20 million, which is a great deal considering I laid off something like 30,000 workers and was in charge when the company's stock tanked more than 40%," stated a smiling Fiorina, who had bounced at least fifty checks and borrowed money from dozens of staffers without paying them back just in September.


Congressional Republicans Prepare Cage, Rotten Food for Pope's Visit

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Congressional Republicans announced they were preparing for Pope Francis' Thursday morning address to a joint session of Congress. Party leaders said they had constructed a gold-plated cage for the pontiff to sit in, and collected rotten food for Republicans to throw at Pope Francis when he lectured the GOP on the seriousness of climate change, and how Republicans must stop their attacks on the poor, sick, disabled, veterans, and so many other groups.

"If Pope Francis is going to be all uppity about climate change and how Republicans cut benefits for starving kids, the disabled, the poor, veterans, the sick, and a bunch of other groups we clearly don't care about..." stated Speaker of the House John Boehner, who appeared to lose his train of thought and subsequently gulped from a jug Carlo Rossi Chablis. "Wait... What was I just saying?"


Brave Analysts Laboring to Find Any Facts from Last Republican Debate

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, over two thousand analysts from the conservationist organization Help Save Republican Facts announced it still had not found a single fact voiced by any Republican presidential candidate during Wednesday's debate hosted by CNN. Help Save Republican Facts also declared 77% of its researchers were suffering from acute anxiety attacks after watching the entire second Republican debate numerous times in search of facts.

"At first we thought facts were just an extremely endangered species among the Republican presidential candidates, and we were optimistic about finding as many as three or even four facts," explained Dick Schneider, Senior TNA Researcher and President of Help Save Republican Facts.


100+ Victim Serial Killer Pays Fine, Avoids Trial, Prison, and Death Penalty

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - General Motors, a person who confessed to killing over 100 people using a defective ignition switch in automobiles it manufactured, agreed to pay $900 million yesterday. This morning, GM announced it was "very sorry" for the first degree murders it was responsible for committing over more than a decade, and asserted a trial resulting in either life in prison or the death penalty was not a realistic criminal penalty for the type of person it was.

"My motive for killing so many people was financial gain, and I am very sorry for that. Having to pay $900 million for my criminal actions is absolutely a deterrent, and I promise never to kill over 100 people ever again," stated GM, a legal person who claimed he was "consumed by guilt for having to pay so much money for my actions."


Hillary: Sanders Giving Poor & Middle Class "Too Much Attention"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized rival Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for giving poor and middle class Americans "too much attention." Clinton argued Sanders was risking not only her ascension to the presidency, but the livelihoods of her friends on Wall Street by letting the poor and what's left of the middle class foolishly think they had "a chance in hell" of reversing growing income inequality.

"Bernie Sanders' support for unions and everyone who is not a large donor to my campaign just doesn't make sense. Not only is he encouraging the poor and middle class to fight for economic fairness and justice, but he has plans to go after my huge donors on Wall Street by breaking up the largest banks and increasing financial regulations," explained Clinton, who assured the press that would never happen when she became president.


America Loses Second Republican Debate

SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Tonight, Republican presidential candidates said a bunch of stuff to an audience that thought it knew a bunch of stuff. The candidate who led in the polls prior to the debate was the target of all the other candidates, who gave vague answers to softball questions while Americans outside of Ronald Reagan's shrine continued to suffer from more than three decades of trickle-down economics.

"The religious extremists said a bunch of stuff about the war gays are waging on Christianity, and the guys who want to blow stuff up overseas said a bunch of stuff, too. There were even some pretend moderates, and everyone blamed Obama. Meanwhile, my family barely avoids financial ruin every month," said Republican primary voter Chip Donnor.

98.6% of Trump Supporters Unable to Spell or Define "Xenophobia"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A TNA study released today showed 98.6% of Donald Trump's supporters were unable to spell or define "xenophobia." The study also showed roughly the same results for those who were asked to spell or define "authoritarianism."

"Virtually all supporters of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump were unable to define 'xenophobia,' which is amazing considering how much hatred of foreigners plays a role in his campaign," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.


Louisiana Man Who Turned $1B Surplus Into $1.5B Deficit Calls Trump "Delusional Sociopath"

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Louisiana man who turned a nearly $1 billion surplus into a $1.5 billion deficit in less than two terms in office called Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump a "delusional sociopath." TNA has learned the man's name is Piyush "Bobby" Jindal - Governor of Louisiana and yet another Republican presidential candidate - who embraced trickle-down economics in his state, caused massive damage to Louisiana's economy, and told Americans as recently as ten minutes ago he was "the best person to be the next president."

"Donald Trump is a delusional sociopath who has caused the abject misery of others, because he only cares about himself. He is a terrible candidate for the Republican Party, and completely lacks experience using Republican economic principles to destroy an economy for personal gain," stated Jindal, who grinned at reporters and assured everyone the "balanced" budget he signed in June "just kicks the can down the road and will only result in larger deficits to haunt Louisianans for generations."


Bigots Travel From Around America to Yell at Kentucky Same-Sex Couples

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, bigots from around the country assembled in front of the building Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis worked out of so they could yell obscenity-laced threats of physical harm and spiritual damnation at same-sex couples seeking to get a marriage license. Many of the hateful, ignorant people who bravely assailed same-sex couples for exercising their legal rights affirmed that their petty intolerance draped in religion was more important than the Constitution and the rule of law.

"I came all the way from Wisconsin to support Kim Davis and see her violate the law again, but she allowed her assistant clerks to issue marriage licenses today. Davis claimed she would not authorize any of them, and that they were likely invalid since her divine name wasn't on them. That was good enough for me, especially since I mainly came here to yell at people," stated Nancy Falconi, a waitress from Milwaukee.


ACLU Hopes Kim Davis Steps In Legal Bear Trap Upon Returning to Work

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - The American Civil Liberties Union held a press conference today to express its hope Kim Davis would unlawfully fire one of her deputy clerks for failing an unconstitutional religious test, doing his job, and not violating the law when Davis returned to work on Monday. The civil rights organization explained it would jump at the chance to show everyone "a real religious liberty lawsuit" by defending a deputy clerk terminated by Davis for following the law - as opposed to Davis' religious beliefs - and issuing same-sex marriage licenses.

"We'll be watching Kim Davis very closely when she returns to work this week. The 'religious liberty' argument made by her and other civically-ignorant people, like her lawyer, is completely bogus. The First Amendment does not protect individuals who place their religious beliefs above the law and sworn responsibilities as government agents," stated ACLU Spokesman Christian Smash.


Mike Huckabee Asserts Confederate States of America Never Surrendered

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee announced the Confederate States of America never officially surrendered during the Civil War and still existed. Huckabee's declaration followed his assertion earlier in the week the Supreme Court's 1857 Dred Scott ruling remained "the law of the land" in a sophomoric comparison to the Supreme Court's recent ruling legalizing same-sex marriage.
"Not only are black Americans ineligible for citizenship, because the Supreme Court said so in 1857, but slavery is still legal due to the fact the Confederate States of America never officially surrendered to the Unites States of America in the Civil War," stated Huckabee, who told the press he "didn't know much" about the Thirteenth Amendment and Fourteenth Amendment, or "history and civics in general."

GOP Thanks Misinformed Voters Who Think They Know Stuff for Upcoming Shutdown

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans thanked the millions of misinformed voters who think they know stuff for giving them control of Congress and making the upcoming October government shutdown possible. Fox News and other right-wing propaganda outlets were also acknowledged for feeding Republican voters a steady, poisonous diet of misinformation that turned them into voters who were more dangerous than uninformed voters.

"The vast majority of people who vote for Republicans arrogantly try to show everyone else they know stuff when all they are doing is showcasing their ignorance for all to see. And those are the voters who gave us control of Congress and will allow us to shut down the government in less than a month," stated Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who shrugged when asked about his pledge there would be no more government shutdowns.

Hillary Pledges to Make Only "One or Two Mistakes" Similar to Vote For Iraq War

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she only planned to make one or two mistakes like her 2002 vote to give Republican President George W. Bush the authority to invade Iraq. Clinton assured Americans she would apologize "extremely sincerely" for an inevitable future mistake or two that could be compared to the costly war with, and subsequent occupation of, Iraq.

"I think everyone knows that I am very, very sorry for my vote to approve the invasion of Iraq. It was a mistake, and I promise that there will only be one or two mistakes of equal or worse magnitude than the war with Iraq," stated Clinton, who touted her experience of "learning from her mistakes" as one of her strengths as a presidential candidate.


CDC: Listening To "Mad Republicans" Causes Concussion-like Symptoms

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) warned Americans that listening to Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, and anyone else classified as a "Mad Republican" for even a minute "will absolutely result in concussion-like symptoms." CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden explained the grade of concussion-like symptoms an American risked depended on how far to the right the Mad Republican speaker they listened to was.

"Americans risk severe grade 3 concussion-like symptoms after only one minute of listening to Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Glenn Beck, Ben Carson, anyone from the show "Duck Dynasty," Sarah Bachmann, all House Republicans, and virtually everyone on Fox 'News,'" stated Frieden, who explained the list was far from comprehensive, and also ignored most of the hopeless Republican presidential candidates.


Obama Sends Congressional Republicans Annual Message Not to Shut Down Government

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama sent his annual message to Congressional Republicans asking them "not to shut down the government again." Obama's handwritten letter explained to Republicans they had control of both chambers of Congress, so they needed to "get their act together, stop being drama queens, and pass some bills that actually have a chance of being signed by me."

"Republicans control Congress due to one of the lowest voter turn outs this country has ever seen, and a ton of GOP gerrymandering. They know I will not sign anything that makes cuts to domestic programs while throwing more money at defense spending. So I expect exactly those types of bills to move forward as we get closer to the October 1st deadline," stated Obama.


Psychic Warns Hillary Clinton of "Horrible Berning in 2016"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a senior campaign staffer close to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton confirmed a popular psychic from the late 1990s named "Miss Cleo" had warned Mrs. Clinton of a "horrible Berning in 2016." Clinton laughed at questions from the press about the private discussion she took part in with Miss Cleo, and stated she was "not very concerned about any psychic reading I allegedly received this morning."

"It was a rough morning. Miss Cleo warned Secretary Clinton that 2016 contained some terrible 'Berning' for her. It was really weird, because the psychic actually told Hillary how to spell 'Berning,' and informed her it was a 'proper verb,' whatever the hell that is," stated the senior Hillary 2016 campaign staffer, who spoke to TNA on condition of anonymity.


Kim Davis' Lawyer Admits He "Never Actually Read" Constitution Before Case

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Mathew Staver - the lawyer representing jailed Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis, who refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples out of hatred for America and the Constitution - announced he had "never actually read" the Constitution or "learned about the Supreme Court" prior to Sunday when he "made the time" to do so. The former Dean of the Liberty University School of Law confessed, "I have made a terrible mistake, and a complete ass of myself for claiming the Supreme Court does not have the authority to order federal and state officials to adhere to its rulings."

"I now see this case has absolutely no merit, and I have wasted everyone's time. It looks like the Supreme Court has been making rulings with the force of law under the authority of the Constitution since Marbury v. Madison in 1803," stated Staver, who runs the Liberty Counsel - a quasi-law practice that promotes conservative Christian beliefs above the rule of law, and pays no taxes by also claiming to be a ministry.


Walker 2016 Labor Day Sale Offers 30% Off Lead-Based Chinese Items

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker announced his campaign would be running a Labor Day sale on all its lead-based Chinese merchandise assembled by child laborers. Walker supporters who acted today will get 30% off all patriotic-themed Walker 2016 items, receive free shipping, and be gifted a video of Scott Walker burning prominent late 19th century and early 20th century labor organizer Mary Harris "Mother" Jones in effigy.

"We have a great sale going on for all Walker 2016 merchandise. It is high-quality stuff covered in lead-based paint and made in China by kids, who are keeping America's kids from finding desirable factory jobs here at home. Well, I pledge to change that," stated Walker, who ignored questions about his faltering campaign after making unintelligible statements even the Republican base could not understand.


Kim Davis Supporters Wish "Founding Father Jesus Christ Was President Again"

GRAYSON, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, hundreds rallied outside of the Carter County Detention Center where Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis had been held since Thursday for contempt of court for refusing to issue a marriage license to any same-sex couple. Supporters prayed for Davis, pledged thousands of dollars to her, and were in unanimous agreement that "freedom of religion would not be under attack" if "Jesus Christ was president again."

"Kim Davis is supposed to have freedom of religion, and we are here today to fight for Kim's freedom to tell same-sex couples her religion is more important than their equality under the law," stated Franklin Pilot, pastor of  the Lynchburg, Tennessee church My God Is Supreme, Your Constitution Is Subservient.


Poor White Republicans in States with Low Standard of Living Demand Rich Pay Less Taxes

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, the results of a TNA survey of registered Republicans who lived in poverty in Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana were released.  The numbers showed a staggering 87% of respondents favored cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans, because they were "job creators" who needed even more money before trickle-down economics could rain money on a collapsing middle class and growing poor population.

"A huge majority of Republicans living in poverty completely bought into the concept of trickle-down economics, and defended the richest people in America. Over 90% of them thought taxes were too high, especially for the wealthiest 1%, who respondents believed were being prevented from creating jobs," explained TNA Senior Researcher Dick Schneider.


Orthodox Jew City Clerk Refuses Tax Payments from Uncircumcised Males

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a city clerk in the tax collection office of Providence, Rhode Island announced his religious beliefs would not allow him to process any tax payments from uncircumcised males. Seth Weiss, an Orthodox Jew, invited all male residents of Providence to bring him a doctor's note stating they were circumcised, or take advantage of his offer of a "complimentary circumcision" if they wanted to pay their taxes and avoid non-payment penalties.

"My religious beliefs say all males should be circumcised on the eighth day of their life by a mohel. So unless male residents of Providence who want to pay taxes on their car, property, or whatever else are circumcised, I cannot process their tax payments in good conscience. God's law prevents me from doing so," explained Weiss.


Cheney Presidential Memoir Heavy On Criticizing George W. Bush

Dick Cheney
Cheney speaks at Camp Anaconda, Iraq in 2008. Credit: Magnus Manske

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, excerpts from former Vice President Dick Cheney's presidential memoir titled "Leading America From Underneath The White House" were released. The 33,000-page book absent of pictures and attempts to personify Cheney was heavy on its criticism of George W. Bush, which the text referred to as "King Meddler."


Kentucky Clerk "Just Wants to Choose What Laws to Follow, Is All"

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis announced she only wanted to choose what laws to follow, because of "God or something." Davis explained her position as she continued to refuse gay couples a marriage license after the Supreme Court declined to exempt her from doing her job, because of her cited reason of "stuff."

RELATED: Civically-Challenged Americans Excited About Defunding Planned Parenthood on Monday

"You know, if gay people were arrested for being gay that is a law I could support. The problem is not me, it is all the horrible laws being passed," said Davis, as she pretended to be a humble servant of God while displaying naked religious arrogance and disrespect for the rule of law.


"VOTE GOP 2016 OR DIE" New Republican Party Slogan

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced the GOP was adopting the slogan "VOTE GOP 2016 OR DIE." RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained the new Republican slogan best summarized the current discourse of the party's members, especially its presidential candidates.

"Hate, fear, paranoia, and perceived victimization are the Four Horsemen of the Republican Party, and they have been for decades. I have no doubt they will bring us victory in 2016. Scott Walker recently said we should build a wall on our border with Canada, because of terrorism. That's right, Canada," explained Pribeus.


The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.