8.12.2015

Trump Rises in Polls After Throwing Kitten Off 58th Floor of Trump Tower

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump threw a kitten off of the 58th floor of Trump Tower this morning. Trump claimed he did it to show everyone he was unstoppable, and polls taken immediately following the incident showed him surging even further ahead of his Republican opponents.

"Everyone who isn't an idiot knows that I will win the Republican nomination and the general election to be the next president. I threw my new kitten Mr. Fiddlesticks off of Trump Tower to prove that even animal cruelty cannot stop me," stated Trump.

Trump's kitten Mr. Fiddlesticks. (Above)

Trump added, "I don't even know why we are going to have primaries or wait until November 2016. I'm ready to be president right now, and I'll even pay for a one-way airline ticket so Obama can go back to Kenya."

Approximately 30% of likely Republican primary voters stated they supported Trump after the kitten throwing incident, which was an increase of nearly eight percentage points.

Trump closed the press conference by stating, "Although I haven't seen him since gravity took him away, I bet Mr. Fiddlesticks probably landed on his feet and is fine."

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