8.17.2015

Securities and Exchange Commission: Stock Market "a Fantasyland"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) confirmed a report from last week that it did not have the authority to prevent companies from engaging in stock buybacks. SEC Chair Mary Jo White assured Americans they would all become well-acquainted with what stock buybacks were "when the economy tanks again, basically due to the same type of stock market manipulation and lack of government regulation that caused it the last time."

"Okay. Fine. I will tell you," replied White after some prodding from TNA. "A stock buyback occurs when a company uses its profits to buy its own stock in order to inflate the price of its shares. It is a manipulation of the market that results in stagnant wages for most Americans and keeps wealth at the top with the largest shareholders."

The seal of the government agency that will not
prevent the next economic collapse. (Above)

White added, "What this means is stock values are largely based in a fantasyland. And many companies are quasi-legally doing stock buybacks instead of increasing wages or investing in things like research and development."

A letter was sent to President Obama by SEC Chair White last week explaining the lack of authority she had, as well as "the genuine lack of caring very seriously about it, anyway."

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders - a vocal opponent of stock buybacks who wants to make them illegal - replied to our request for comment by stating, "These people will take us all down with their greed and stupidity again if we don't stop them."

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