8.16.2015

Lindsey Graham Warns "We're All Gonna Die, We're All Gonna Die, We're All Gonna Die!"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned Americans if they did not elect him president everyone would die. Graham asserted the United States would only be safe from "those very scary Muslims" under his watch.

"Unless I am elected president, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die! Otherwise, I will obstruct whoever becomes president from protecting you any way I can," stated Graham, who ditched his usual morning mint julep and drank directly from a bottle of Jim Beam.

Col. Lindsey Graham (Top Right) receives Meritorious Service Medal in April 2009.

Graham added, "As president, if I even suspect someone is involved with Muslim terrorists you can bet they will be tortured - American citizens included. And get ready for casualty reports on the news from wars in Iraq, Iran, and probably a bunch of other places that scare me."

An anonymous source inside the Graham campaign told TNA many of the senator's friends and family have been concerned about his mental health, and advised him "to remain constantly drunk or get regular psychiatric help and take meds."

Senator Graham seemed to be taking the former approach as he blew into the top of his Jim Beam bottle and played what sounded loosely like "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" by the rock band Iron Butterfly.

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