8.24.2015

Chris Christie's Protective Detail Doubled in New Jersey Due to "Tar and Feather" Threats

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he was doubling his protective detail in his home state. The move followed thousands of threats made by New Jersey citizens to "tar and feather" Christie then "run him out of town on a rail."

"The people of New Jersey are just angry because they are afraid they will lose me to the rest of America, and I won't be able to completely destroy New Jersey's economy with my trickle-down economics," stated Christie, who had made sure his state continued to fail to recover even the jobs it lost in 2008.

Governor Chris Christie speaking at the 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (Above)
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Christie added, "I am not afraid of some idiots who want to tar and feather me. It's not like everyone has feather pillows and tar lying around anymore. Pretty sure they probably haven't thought about the logistics of running me out of town on a rail, too."

The governor refused to comment on his single-digit national poll numbers or his approval rating in New Jersey being around 30%, except to very loudly warn the press to "stop asking stupid questions, okay?"

The press conference abruptly ended when an unidentified member of the press mused out loud that Christie would look like "the biggest chicken ever."

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