President Obama to Rename Mount Washington "Mount Obama"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Late this afternoon, President Obama announced his intention to rename the tallest mountain in the Presidential Range located in New Hampshire. Obama explained Mount Washington would be renamed "Mount Obama," because he was better at being president than America's first president under the Constitution - George Washington.

"I think it is clear I am one of the best presidents America has ever had. The Republicans have fought me on everything and have no alternatives, and I am still finding ways to get things done," announced Obama, who planned to make the renaming official next week.


Chris Christie Says Every Illegal Immigrant Will Be Fitted with GPS & Shock Collar, Sent to Mexico

LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he wanted to fit a permanent shock collar equipped with a Global Positioning System (GPS) on all illegal immigrants that entered the United States. Christie explained every illegal immigrant would be fitted with a collar and dropped off in Mexico approximately two miles away from the US-Mexico border where the collar would be activated and programmed to shock an illegal immigrant if he or she came within one mile of the United States.

RELATED: Chris Christie's Protective Detail Doubled in New Jersey Due to "Tar and Feather" Threats

"As president, I promise to spend whatever it takes to hunt down, arrest, and deport every illegal immigrant in this country. And before I send an illegal immigrant back to Mexico that person will be fitted with a permanent shock collar that will also track where they are at all times," pledged Christie to a small group of white people in a place over 2,600 miles away from Mexico.


Barely Literate Religious Extremist Discusses Plans to Destroy America with Aspiring Dictator

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a video was released to major media outlets in the United States by a Christian extremist named Sarah Palin, who has ties to an anti-American Alaskan separatist group and a church that speaks in tongues, practices faith healing, and performs exorcisms. In the video, Palin discussed plans to destroy America with Republican presidential candidate and wealthy aspiring dictator Donald Trump.

"I don't think I should have to pay taxes to a government I hate, or follow the rule of law when my religious beliefs contradict the law. Christians like me have the constitutional right to impose our beliefs on everyone else in America. This is a Christian nation," stated Palin, who proved her patriotism by sitting in front of a screen displaying an American flag.


President George W. Bush to Visit New Orleans, Hopes "All the Water Is Gone By Now"

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush will visit New Orleans to celebrate the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and his administration's awe-inspiring response to the devastating storm. President Bush announced his brother Jeb Bush - a Republican presidential candidate and the former Governor of Florida - would be standing next to him during what they both called "a victory lap."

"I am very excited to visit New Orleans again. I just hope all the water is gone by now," said George W. Bush, who stood on a platform and watched as a suspiciously familiar "Mission Accomplished" banner was hung behind the podium he would speak at.


Second Grader Gets Sticker for Correctly Interpreting Second Amendment, Reading "Militia" Portion

MANSFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a second grade student named Benjamin Boom earned a sticker for correctly interpreting the Second Amendment by acknowledging the "militia" referenced in the amendment. The Mansfield, Massachusetts pupil cited conservative Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren E. Burger, who called the argument that private citizens have the right to bear arms "a fraud."

"The Second Amendment is narrowly referring to 'a well regulated militia' and not speaking on the freedom individual Americans have to bear arms. The latter belief is nothing more than the National Rifle Association's erroneous interpretation of the Second Amendment," explained a smiling Boom, who earned a star-shaped sticker that had "Great Job!" written on it.


Mitt Romney Awaiting GOP "Distress Message" Regarding "Idiot Jeb" & "Trump Virus"

HOLLADAY, UTAH (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney announced he was waiting for a "distress message" from the Republican Party, which he expected to beg him to enter the race to be its presidential nominee "soon." Romney confessed he had been watching the Republican race "with joy," and was seriously reconsidering his decision not to run in 2016.

"Ann and I have been keeping a close watch on the Republican presidential race, and we are increasingly coming to believe it is God's way of telling us I should run for president again," stated Romney, who stood in front of his Holladay, Utah home during the press conference.


China Announces "Indefinite Stock Market Vacation," Wall Street Pushes Inflated Stocks

BEIJING, CHINA & NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, China announced its stock market would be going on a vacation and the Ministry of Finance would be releasing "highly accurate" stock numbers. Wall Street praised the announcement and continued to encourage Americans to purchase highly inflated stocks before everyone ran out of tricks to hide the symptoms of another looming global economic crisis.

"An indefinite stock market vacation is needed in China, because things are going so well we need time to count all the money we are making. Until further notice, the Ministry of Finance will be releasing stock numbers," announced Chinese President Xi Jinping.


Chris Christie's Protective Detail Doubled in New Jersey Due to "Tar and Feather" Threats

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he was doubling his protective detail in his home state. The move followed thousands of threats made by New Jersey citizens to "tar and feather" Christie then "run him out of town on a rail."

"The people of New Jersey are just angry because they are afraid they will lose me to the rest of America, and I won't be able to completely destroy New Jersey's economy with my trickle-down economics," stated Christie, who had made sure his state continued to fail to recover even the jobs it lost in 2008.


Ted Cruz Warns "Atheist-Muslim-Fascist-Communist-ISIS-Liberal Terrorists" Will Destroy Religious Freedom

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took part in a special weekend broadcast of Jan Mickelson's extreme-right-wing Iowa radio show. Cruz used the platform to warn Americans "atheist-Muslim-fascist-communist-ISIS-liberal terrorists" wanted to destroy America, religious freedom, and Christianity.

"So I have a wonderful man and a true Christian here this morning, listeners. Senator Ted Cruz has a very serious warning for everyone who cares about the religious freedom to force their Christian beliefs on others," stated Mickelson, who earlier in the week suggested states should enslave undocumented immigrants.


71% of Americans Want Fox News and Trump War, Hope for Mutually Assured Destruction

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA poll discovered 71% of Americans were in favor of renewed hostilities between Fox News and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The mutually assured destruction of both lying, far-right, and bigoted entities was seen as a positive for the political discourse of the country.

"A large majority of Americans really want to see Fox News and Trump go to war, and hope they annihilate each other for the benefit of the country," stated Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.


Fox News, Cons Act Like Emotionally Mature, Respectful Adults By Wishing Carter the Best, Thanking Him For Service to Country

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Fox News and conservatives from around the country continued to make respectful statements of support and give their best wishes to former President Jimmy Carter, who announced he has brain cancer and a grim prognosis. The reverent tone of the conservative statements to Carter encouraged many Americans that perhaps all semblance of respectful discourse may not have been removed from their country's politics.

"Fox News wants to wish President Carter the best. We may have different political philosophies, but he is still worthy of respect and humanity," stated Fox News President Roger Ailes, on behalf of everyone at the network.

George W. Bush Ignores Republican Pleas to Pretend He Doesn't Exist, Endorses Jeb

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, Former President George W. Bush ignored Republican pleas to pretend he didn't exist and publicly endorsed his brother Jeb for the Republican presidential nomination. The former president gave a press conference from his Crawford, Texas ranch and urged Americans to support Jeb, because "he is a good doobie who will be just like me."

"A vote for Jeb is pretty much a vote for a third term for yours truly. That would be me, of course," stated George W. Bush, who smiled and enthusiastically pointed at himself with both thumbs.


GOP Says “Extinction of Humanity” Only Climate Change Evidence It Will Accept

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) updated its platform to make it clear Republicans would never stop denying climate change until "credible evidence" was presented. The platform also clearly declared "the extinction of humanity" as being the only evidence Republicans would find to be genuine.

"The Republican Party doesn't have time to deal with this climate change nonsense. We're far too busy gerrymandering states, keeping all kinds of minority groups from voting, and encouraging hatred and fear between different groups of Americans," stated RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.


Putin Discovers Atlantis Off Coast of Crimea During Routine Visit to Anger Ukraine

SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Television (RT) announced President Vladimir Putin had discovered the ancient lost city of Atlantis only 60 kilometers away from the Black Sea port city of Sevastopol. Putin was engaged in a routine provocative visit to the disputed territory of Crimea when he decided to use his master explorer skills to find Atlantis.


Huckabee Escapes Psychiatric Confinement Again, Flees to Israel After "Oven" Statement

THE WEST BANK, ISRAEL (The Nil Admirari) - Once again, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee escaped from Bellevue Hospital, and somehow ended up in Israel today. Huckabee's second vacation from mental health workers followed his statement about Israelis being led to ovens by President Obama due to the nuclear agreement his administration reached with Iran.

"Not only do I refuse to retract my earlier 'oven' statement, but I chose to come to an illegal Israeli settlement in the West Bank and I am ready to make another 'look at me' statement," announced Huckabee, who grinned.

DoD Soon to Release New Video Game Giving Americans Control of Drones In Combat

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter announced the DoD was going to greatly expand drone use and would soon be releasing a new video game named "American Drone Pilot." Carter promised the game would give every American who played it a realistic experience of how to operate a military drone, because they would actually be operating a military drone in potential and actual combat zones.

"Our goal is to increase the use of MQ-1 Predator and MQ-9 Reaper drones by at least 50% in Ukraine, Iraq, Syria, and a bunch of other places. To be able to do this we need more drone pilots, and that is why we are releasing the video game American Drone Pilot on September 2 to the American public," stated Carter, who appeared excited for the game's release.

Sanders Unamused Two Parties, Media That Make Independent Run Futile Criticizing Him For Running As A Democrat

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) slammed the Democratic Party, Republican Party, and corporate media for criticizing his decision to run as a Democrat when they were "absolutely responsible" for making any independent candidacy impossible. Sanders also mocked the two-party political system in the United States for being "a complete joke."

"The Democrats, Republicans, and corporate media have all put up barriers for candidates outside of the two-party system so they can continue to offer Americans the choice between a punch to the gut and a kick in the backside. Well, you have to be out of your mind to think the views of all Americans can be represented by two parties," stated Sanders to a boisterous crowd.


Jeb Bush Super PAC Says $10M+ Iowa Ad Budget "Too Small" to Make Jeb Likable

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - A senior official with Jeb Bush's Super PAC "Right to Rise USA" told TNA on the condition of anonymity today the $10 million-plus ad budget it had to make Jeb likable to Iowa's Republican caucus-goers was "way, way, way, way, too small." The Super PAC official added, "Jeb needs to stop hugging his brother George W. Bush's policies whenever he is asked about them, because that is not helping."

"Jeb is already struggling in a crowded Republican field that includes Donald Trump, who is really busting our balls on some of Jeb's flubs like the one he said about cutting back on women's health funding. So when Jeb says things like that or says he is in favor of torture and wants to put troops back on the ground in Iraq as soon as possible, those are all examples of 'not helping,'" explained the high-level Super PAC official.

Securities and Exchange Commission: Stock Market "a Fantasyland"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) confirmed a report from last week that it did not have the authority to prevent companies from engaging in stock buybacks. SEC Chair Mary Jo White assured Americans they would all become well-acquainted with what stock buybacks were "when the economy tanks again, basically due to the same type of stock market manipulation and lack of government regulation that caused it the last time."

"Okay. Fine. I will tell you," replied White after some prodding from TNA. "A stock buyback occurs when a company uses its profits to buy its own stock in order to inflate the price of its shares. It is a manipulation of the market that results in stagnant wages for most Americans and keeps wealth at the top with the largest shareholders."


Huckabee Escapes Psychiatric Wing, Agrees 10-Year-Old Should Have Rapist's Baby

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee somehow escaped from the psychiatric wing he was residing in at Bellevue Hospital. Huckabee announced he wanted to make himself available to CNN so he could tell all of America he agreed with the government of Paraguay denying a 10-year-old rape victim in Asunción an abortion and forcing her to give birth to the child.

"You know what? That little girl was a much more mature age 11 when she gave birth to her daughter on Thursday," stated Huckabee, who failed to see even the slightest bit of reasoning or humanity behind any position outside of the one he unapologetically held.

Lindsey Graham Warns "We're All Gonna Die, We're All Gonna Die, We're All Gonna Die!"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned Americans if they did not elect him president everyone would die. Graham asserted the United States would only be safe from "those very scary Muslims" under his watch.

"Unless I am elected president, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die! Otherwise, I will obstruct whoever becomes president from protecting you any way I can," stated Graham, who ditched his usual morning mint julep and drank directly from a bottle of Jim Beam.


New Carly Fiorina 2016 Slogan: "Corporate Profits First, Actual People Dead Last"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and fired Hewlett-Packard (HP) CEO Carly Fiorina unveiled her campaign's new slogan today. "Corporate Profits First, Actual People Dead Last" beat Carly Fiorina's preferred "There Is No Job That Is America's God-Given Right Anymore," which she actually stated in January 2004. The two slogans went head-to-dead to honor Fiorina's record at HP where she laid-off 30K workers, shipped thousands of jobs overseas to India and China, and stood against any government protection of American workers from foreign competition.

"My closest aides convinced me the shorter slogan was best, even though I preferred the one I actually said about a year before I was fired by HP for decreased profits and basically running things into the ground. I firmly believe that if we cannot compete with China and India in the technology sector then the United States should not try to protect American jobs over increased corporate profit," stated a smiling Fiorina.

Jeb Vows to Reinstate Iraq War, Torture, Lies, All Other Mistakes Brother Made and More

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced his presidency would be a continuation of his brother George W. Bush's presidency in that he would send ground troops back to Iraq, reinstate torture in violation of American and international law, and make every other mistake made by his brother and more. Jeb promised Americans to ignore all of "the allegedly negative consequences" of his brother's presidency, and vowed to return America to "the golden age" of George W. Bush.

"As president, I will pretend Obama was never president. We are going back to Iraq so we can have a staging ground for a war with Iran, and torture will absolutely be coming back because I have no idea why we stopped doing it in the first place. Say good bye to Social Security and Obamacare, too," stated Jeb Bush, who smiled uncomfortably.

Trump Flies "Uncle Bobby" in from Sumatran Rainforest, Will Work on Campaign

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump met his "Uncle Bobby" at John F. Kennedy International Airport at 12:30 this morning. Trump flew his uncle in from Sumatra to help with his presidential campaign, and Uncle Bobby arrived with a large entourage of conservationists and primatologists, as well as large boxes full of fruit, bird eggs, bark, leaves, honey, shoots, and insects from home.

"My Uncle Bobby is the smartest man in my family. When I told him I was running for president he offered to help me with my campaign, because he is a totally classy and fabulous guy. So I flew him out as soon as possible from his home in the Sumatran rainforest," stated Trump, who shook the hand of the Sumatran orangutan at his left.


Megyn Kelly Told "Take A Hike" By Ailes, Who Was Hit In Face By Vintage Stapler

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News talking head Megyn Kelly announced two nights ago on her show The Kelly Factor she was going to take a ten day vacation. Kelly did not say why she was going on vacation on-air, but an anonymous source at Fox News informed TNA today Kelly was told by her boss Roger Ailes to "take some time off, forget about Donald Trump, and the death threats his supporters keep sending you."

"Megyn Kelly was screaming and throwing things at Mr. Ailes on the set of her show after he repeated that she needed to "take a hike for a while." Mr. Ailes tried to protect himself from what Mrs. Kelly was throwing, but she got him in the head with a huge metal stapler. I have no idea where that thing came from," said an anonymous source who worked directly with Kelly.


GOP Offers to Fly Dick Cheney, George W. Bush to Hague If It Can Arrest Hillary

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican Party offered to fly former Vice President Dick Cheney and former President George W. Bush to the Hague so they could go before the International Criminal Court (ICC) to face war crimes charges related to their illegal March 2003 invasion - and subsequent occupation - of Iraq. Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus stated the only thing the GOP wanted in return from the Democratic Party was to have Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton arrested for "a bunch of things."

"The Republican Party will surrender Dick Cheney and George W. Bush to the ICC to face war crimes charges for their actions in Iraq. All it asks for in return is to have Hillary Clinton arrested. Heck, we'll put Cheney and Bush on a plane right now," explained Reince Priebus.


Fox News: Iran Attacks Islamic State Moon Base Believing Afterlife Virgins Held Hostage

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News announced Iran had launched an attack on the Islamic State's "Muhammad Moon Base 1" believing the base was holding afterlife virgins hostage. Fox News alerted its viewers to the existence of the Islamic State's moon base on July 18th  - when it warned of an imminent attack on the United States - and today criticized the Obama Administration's failure to do anything about it.

"So Iran sends special space troops of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard to the moon, and Obama does nothing. He doesn't attack the Islamic State on the moon, which America owns, and he doesn't stop Iran from going into space, which America also owns," stated "good journalism" host Megyn Kelly on her show "The Kelly Factor."

Trump Rises in Polls After Throwing Kitten Off 58th Floor of Trump Tower

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump threw a kitten off of the 58th floor of Trump Tower this morning. Trump claimed he did it to show everyone he was unstoppable, and polls taken immediately following the incident showed him surging even further ahead of his Republican opponents.

"Everyone who isn't an idiot knows that I will win the Republican nomination and the general election to be the next president. I threw my new kitten Mr. Fiddlesticks off of Trump Tower to prove that even animal cruelty cannot stop me," stated Trump.


Broke Rick Perry Now Firmly Believes Money Should Be Taken Out of Politics

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced all of his paid campaign staff were going to be considered volunteers for the foreseeable future due to a severe lack of money. Perry said he did not think it was a bad sign for his presidential bid, and adopted the brand new position that money should have no place in politics.

"We may lose some people on my campaign, because they have to live and eat and such, but this situation brings up an important issue I have just learned to care about. There is too much darn money in this president election thing," said Perry, who appeared as though he may cry.

Michele Bachmann Finds "Rockets for Trip to Heaven" in Husband's Dresser

STILLWATER, MINNESOTA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN-6) announced she had discovered dozens of phallic shaped objects in the bottom drawer of her husband Marcus's dresser. Bachmann explained her husband told her the objects were rockets to take them to Heaven once President Obama fulfilled his role to take the world into the End Times and bring about the Second Coming of Christ.

"I was just doing some cleaning around the house when a rubber smell coming from the bottom drawer of my husband's bedroom dresser caught my attention. When I opened it I found almost forty phallic shaped objects," explained former Congresswoman Bachmann.


Uneasy Non-Aggression Pact Signed Between Fox News & Trump, Poland to Be Divided

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News President Roger Ailes called billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump earlier today after experiencing the wrath of unhinged Fox News viewers, other conservative media outlets, and Trump's weekend anti-Fox News media blitz. Tensions continued to grow quickly over the thinly veiled hit job Ailes ordered on Trump during Thursday night's debate, which Megyn Kelly largely carried out. Although no one knows everything the conversation between Trump and Ailes was about it did result in Trump agreeing to go on Fox & Friends and Hannity tomorrow, as well as an agreement on how to divide Poland.

"We definitely cleared the air and we both had a good laugh about how I tried to ruin him politically in front of the entire country during the Fox News debate. Trump knows it was just a little joke between two great friends," stated Ailes, who had a Cheshire Cat grin that appeared to be slowly eating his face.

Fox News Losing Control of Hateful, Paranoid People It Created, Who Created Trump


NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News President Roger Ailes announced today his fantasy-peddling organization was "at DEFCON 3 and likely losing control" of the misinformed, hateful, and paranoid people it has created over its nearly 19 years of terror. Ailes stated Fox News feared it may have reached a saturation point where its almost exclusively Republican audience could no longer absorb any further distortions of facts or outright lies, which is exactly what Fox News has been feeding them while also telling them they are the informed people.

"We may have went just a tad too far to the right during the Obama years, because we have definitely created a monster we cannot control in the form of the new, even more enraged and paranoid Republican base. And that monster has created its own super monster in the form of billionaire Donald Trump, which we are trying like hell to take out," stated Ailes, who was sweating profusely.
Ailes added, "Megyn Kelly was under orders to take Trump down during Thursday night's debate, but it totally didn't work. I should have known better since she's a woman and Trump doesn't like the uppity ones, but there was no way I could have known Trump is the only man on the planet who seems immune to my 'Orchestra Pit Theory.'"


Psychology Body Decides Maybe Its Psychologists Should Not Participate In Torture

TORONTO, CANADA (The Nil Admirari) - On Friday, the American Psychological Association (APA) decided it might be a good idea to bar its members from participating in national security interrogations for military and intelligence entities. The decision was made after an independent investigation confirmed some of the group's representatives had indeed participated in the torture of prisoners following the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001.

"After moving slower than Congress, which released a report on this stuff in December courtesy of the Senate Intelligence Committee, we conducted an internal investigation and learned some of our representatives had conspired with people in the George W. Bush Administration, Pentagon, and CIA to advance torture," said Nadine Kaslow, who sat on the APA Council of Representatives.

California Urges Citizens to Visit Out-of-State Loved Ones, Return with "Borrowed Water"

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, California Governor Jerry Brown (D) urged the citizens of his state to visit out-of-state family members and friends, and "borrow some water to bring back to California." Brown explained it was the best long-term backup plan California could put forth as the state found itself in the fourth year of a historic drought.

"As everyone knows, California is facing a critical shortage of water. We have tried to restrict water usage, but many Californians don't think the restrictions apply to them, especially if they are wealthy and feel it would be fatal to have a brown lawn. So it's time for another plan," said Brown, who sighed loudly.


Republican Primary Voters Continue to Confuse Arrogance with Competence

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Billionaire Donald Trump has become even more popular with Republicans in the wake of the Republican presidential debate hosted by Fox News on Thursday, as the Republican base continued its proud tradition of confusing a candidate's arrogance with a candidate's competence. National polls conducted after the debate showed Trump was favored by an average of twenty-five percent of Republican primary voters, which was about double the support of the second most popular candidate.

"Once again, the hardcore base of the Republican Party is confusing a loud, offensive, and unfiltered egomaniac with a candidate who is actually competent enough to be President of the United States," explained TNA Senior Researcher Dick Schneider, who watched the debate on Thursday after drawing the smallest straw at TNA.


Fox News' Attempt to Embarrass, Humble, and Knockout Trump Fails Somehow

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - Last night, Fox News attempted to embarrass, humble, and knockout billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during the prime time debate hosted by the network. For some inexplicable reason - and despite hundreds of interviews with Trump - Fox News forgot that engaging Trump was the trigger for the candidate's famous and often contradictory word salad, loud "truth telling," and general bombasity the Republican base loves.

"The debate last night was a disaster for Trump. He is done, gone, and extinct from the Republican presidential race. Republicans everywhere now know Donald Trump is finished and will abandon him, because of the superior journalism of Fox News," stated Fox News contributor and general grump Charles Krauthammer.


Fox News Trying to Prop Up Republican Candidate Carly Fiorina as "The Antihillary"

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - After deciding what Republican presidential candidates were fit for its prime time debate tonight, Fox News declared Carly Fiorina the winner of the 5pm "losers debate" between the seven candidates deemed unworthy by the network. Fox News host Megyn Kelly declared Carly Fiorina the winner of the earlier debate, and stated Fiorina was "the Antihillary and just as qualified to be president, because she is also a woman."

"You guys are so lucky Carly Fiorina was in the five o'clock debate of shame. She would have shown you a thing or two," stated Megyn Kelly, who was one of the prime time debate's hosts. "How do any of you intend to beat Hillary Clinton, who we have already decided will be the Democratic presidential nominee, if you do not have a vagina?"

Americans Looking Forward to Informed Debate, Well-Behaved Trump Tonight

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Americans across the country confessed they were "very excited" to watch the first debate between Republican presidential candidates, which will be hosted by Fox News in Cleveland, Ohio at 9pm tonight. Nearly all Americans stated they looked forward to watching the well-informed Republican candidates debate serious issues, and were specifically looking forward to hearing billionaire Donald Trump's substantive policy goals.

"I am so happy for Republican primary voters. Their field of presidential candidates is the strongest in nearly four decades, and the Democratic Party should be shaking in its boots to have to face any of the ten candidates handpicked by Fox News," said NBC News journalism lightweight Chuck Todd.

Republicans Eager for War Outraged Obama Compared Them to Iranians Eager for War

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republicans across the country continued to be outraged by President Obama's comparison of Republicans who want a war with Iran to Iranian hardliners who want a war with the United States. Fox News has led the outrage by calling Obama "unAmerican," "worse than Hitler," and "that Kenyan who stole the presidency twice."

"This is a new low for President Obama, who Fox News has given every chance to succeed as president," said Charleston Krauthammer. "And this is how he thanks all of us? Is it our fault he is a horrible failure at everything, and the worst president America has ever had?"

Fox News Debate Candidates List Written By Drunk Reince Preibus, Belligerent Roger Ailes

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA learned the ten Republican presidential candidates chosen to participate in the tonight's debate on Fox News were not selected based on national poll numbers, but chosen by Fox News President Roger Ailes and dictated to Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, who were both inebriated. The two had dinner on Monday night at the posh New York City restaurant the Old Homestead Steakhouse, and made the list of the "in" and "out" candidates over multiple servings of alcohol and filet mignon.

"Mr. Ailes and Mr. Priebus were laughing and talking loud enough for everyone to hear them. They spent over $3,000 on alcohol before anything was written "to get ready to decide what clowns are in the circus," which was what Mr. Priebus said. Once they were ready, Mr. Ailes made Mr. Priebus write the list, because he said he was 'way too drunk' to do it himself," said an anonymous source present at the Old Homestead Steakhouse that night.


WorldNetDaily Declares Donald Trump "The Second Coming of Christ"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this evening, conservative website WorldNetDaily (WND) - the same source that recently accused President Obama of being possessed by a Kenyan demon - reported billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was "the Second Coming of Christ."  WND claimed its regular contributors Joseph Farah, Ann Coulter, Erik Rush, Pat Boone, and Ted Nugent were all at the same seance when they accidentally contacted Muhammad, but were quickly transferred to Mary the Mother of God, who told them Donald Trump was "the second coming of my son, Jesus."

"It was amazing. We totally contacted the founder of Islam first, which was weird, but then Pat Boone said he was being possessed by Mary the Mother of God. Of course, we couldn't wait to see what she wanted us to know, and she told us Donald Trump is the Second Coming of her son," said Ted Nugent, who was served with a court summons related to sexual misconduct as he testified about his experience.

Texas AG Paxton Blames Texans for Electing Criminal Texas AG, Refuses to Resign

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) refused to heed calls for his resignation today, and blamed Texas voters for electing "a criminal, a hypocrite, and a man of such low moral character" to be their state's chief enforcer of the law. On Monday, Paxton was indicted on three felony counts related to securities law violations that allegedly took place when he was a lawyer and state legislator, and he failed to disclose to investors in a tech company he was profiting from their investments.

"Texas voters should be ashamed of themselves for the mess they find themselves in. They elected a man who has such little respect for the law he violated state security laws, has ignored the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage and encouraged others to break federal law, and now refuses to step down. And this man is their chief law enforcement official," stated Paxton, who has held the post for about seven months thanks largely to the tea party.


Trump Kidnaps David Koch After Fundraising Snub, Demands Money from Charles Koch

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced today he had kidnapped billionaire David Koch, and was demanding a large amount of money from billionaire Charles Koch to get his brother back. Trump claimed the kidnapping was in response to being snubbed by the infamous Koch brothers, who did not invite him to Dana Point, California this past weekend where about 450 very wealthy conservative donors gathered by the Kochs met with five other Republican presidential candidates.

"I don't need the money, I really don't, but who do these bastards think they are messing with? You want to know what losers they invited? The dumbest Bush, Marco Rubella, wacko bird Ted Cruz, that stupid lady who destroyed Hewlett-Packard, and their puppet from Wisconsin Scott Walker. David and Charles must at least be up to their elbows in Walker's ass," stated Trump from Trump Tower, which was where he claimed David Koch was being held.


Fox News Says Trump and Christie to Stand Next to Each Other During Thursday's Debate

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News announced Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie will stand next to each other during Thursday's debate hosted by the network. The announcement met with condemnation from the eight other participating Republican candidates, as it broke the debate rule stating candidates would be positioned based on their national poll numbers.

"Trump is polling around 20% nationally, and Christie is polling around 3%.  Fox News hopes having two loose canons front and center will escalate from predictable verbal insults to a probable physical altercation between Christie and Trump. I hope they kill each other," said Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush, speaking on behalf of himself and the other participants.

Anti-Choice Americans Outraged at Planned Parenthood Claim It Prevents More Abortions

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, the anti-choice movement in America was outraged when President Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood announced her organization was responsible for preventing more abortions than they were. Richards explained that because Planned Parenthood promoted contraception and education about having sex responsibly it was far more effective at stopping abortions than a bunch of hypocrites who ignore human sexuality and just tell people "sex bad, don't do it."

"This whole fake video scandal some anti-choice fanatics cooked-up to make Planned Parenthood look bad is the least of our problems. Our lawyers are going to crucify them, and we'll still be here. What we need to talk about is how Planned Parenthood prevents abortions better than these anti -choice zealots," stated Richards, who shook her head.

Richards added, " Planned Parenthood spends about 3% of its resources on abortion services. A whole 3%.  We use over 30% on contraception and education about safe sex, which dramatically lowers unwanted pregnancies unlike abstinence "education." So we have prevented far more abortions than they have, and that's our goal."


Trump Fires Staffer for Making Racist Statements Similar to Those He Makes Daily

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today it fired an adviser named Sam Nunberg for making racist statements shockingly similar to those Trump makes every day. Nunberg was fired after it was discovered he made offensive Trump-like statements on social media in 2007 and 2008. Nunberg denied he ever stated them, much like Trump would in his position.

"You know, whoever this Nunberg guy is, he is way too much like me. And if there is one thing America doesn't need it is another Donald Trump spouting racist statements like it's going out of style, even though the scared old white people totally eat it up," stated Trump, who directed the black members of the press to the back of the room prior to the start of the press conference.

Jerry Springer to Run for President as Republican to "Add Some Civility and Decorum"

STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Jerry Springer, the host of The Jerry Springer Show and former Democratic mayor of Cincinnati, announced he was changing parties so he could run for the Republican presidential nomination. Springer said he was running to "add some civility and decorum" to the Republican field of candidates, which he described as "lying Neanderthal clowns."

"I am running for president as a Republican, because the current field of Republican candidates aren't fit to be on The Jerry Springer Show, never mind being president. I've asked every one of them to come on my show to face an audience with solid question-asking skills, and they have all declined," stated Springer, who was flanked by his security guards.

Springer added, "So I have decided to bring the show to those lying Neanderthal clowns, and add some civility and decorum to the Republican field. I am already polling better nationally than half of my opponents, and will be bringing my best audience members to the Fox News debate with me on Thursday."


Civically-Challenged Americans Excited About Defunding Planned Parenthood on Monday

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, civically-challenged Americans across the country announced they were looking forward to Planned Parenthood being defunded after highly edited and deceptive videos were released making it appear the organization was profiting from the sale of aborted fetuses. Not only has this group of conservative and anti-choice Americans ignored the fact fetal tissue is used for critical medical research to combat diseases like ALS, but it also believed a Senate vote expected as early as Monday would defund Planned Parenthood all on its own and forever.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who voted in 1993 to legalize fetal tissue donations after abortions, tried to downplay expectations and said, "I am appalled by the Planned Parenthood videos coming out, but the House of Representatives isn't coming back from vacation until September, and we may not even have the votes to pass a defunding bill in the Senate."


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