7.29.2015

Zimbabwe Unable to Locate Impotent White American in Possession of Lion's Head

ZIMBABWE (The Nil Admirari) - The nation of Zimbabwe today announced it was unable to find American dentist Dr. Walter J. Palmer, who reportedly paid at least $50k to lure a 13-year-old lion named Cecil out of his sanctuary at Hwange National Park in order to kill and decapitate him. The white American male in possession of a lion's head has somehow alluded Zimbabwe officials, and gone into hiding after his failed attempt to cure his bedroom impotence - by killing Cecil - ignited worldwide outrage.

"We are unable to locate Minnesota dentist Walter J. Palmer, but are confident we will at some point. Everyone in Zimbabwe knows we are looking for an old, impotent white male carrying a lion's head on him so it should be any time now. If Palmer left Zimbabwe, countries around the world are lining up to prosecute him, so one way or another the world will punish him," stated Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe.

Minnesota Dentist Dr. Walter J. Palmer. (Above) (PHOTO: Screen Shot from Former Website; YELP)

Mugabe added, "Cecil was an ambassador of other lions and of Zimbabwe. He was loved both here and around the world by conservationists and tourist. Palmer bravely lured Cecil out of his sanctuary and shot him with his crossbow, but much like Palmer's conduct in the bedroom his crossbow bolt could not get the job done. Our justice system won't be so sloppy with him, if we find him."

"After Palmer failed to kill Cecil, he tracked him for two days before shooting and decapitating him. Palmer has a felony hunting record in America after he shot a bear in Wisconsin about 40 miles outside of the zone he was licensed to hunt in. So his claim he didn't know what he was doing is bullshit," said Johnny Rodrigues of the Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force.

The two guides Palmer hired have been charged in Cecil's death, but Palmer remained at-large when this story was published by TNA. Palmer has been forced to close his dentist's office in Minnesota due to the public outrage regarding his killing of Cecil, but he admitted it could be worse and he "could be the one decapitated with his body left out to rot in the sun."

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