7.23.2015

Republican Candidates to Compete on How Fast They Can Make a Child of Illegal Immigrants Cry

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican National Committee announced today it will be having all of its presidential candidates compete with each other to see who can make a child of illegal immigrants cry the fastest. The competition will be named "Only the Republican Who Makes a Child of Illegal Immigrant Parents Cry Fastest Can Truly Protect America," and will take place at 9pm EST on Thursday, August 20th near the El Paso, Texas border crossing. 

"I already have my strategy planned out. I am going to be shooting an Uzi into the air as I yell at the child about how his or her parents are going back to wherever they came from, and they'll never see each other again," said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who wore an American flag and claimed Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu gifted the unregistered Uzi to him.

A GOP logo (top left), and a crying "practice child" (top right). Most of the candidates are working with practice children of various ages.

Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker shared his strategy with TNA and stated, "I will be wearing a President Reagan mask and will have former Vice President Dick Cheney there with his shotgun "Boomy." He'll point the gun at the child while I hold the child's hand and assist in arresting the parents in front of him or her."

Donald Trump and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie both explained they would just be themselves during the competition, but wanted to know the age of the child beforehand to practice on similar victims.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry seemed a bit confused about the competition, and declared, "I will provide free tuition to a charter school and then to any public college for the child."

All of the other Republican candidates said they would simply yell "really loudly" about deporting the parents.

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