Operation Loon Star Will Not Be Finished By Start of Jade Helm 15

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Department of Defense (DoD) announced today Operation Loon Star was far from being completed in Texas and would definitely not be finished prior to the start of Operation Jade Helm 15 on Wednesday. Operation Loon Star was originally reported on by TNA on May 13th, and is a military operation that began on May 15th with the objective of addressing a mental health epidemic in Texas.

"As many of you know, 'Operation Loon Star' was launched in the middle of May of this year. It was our response to the rampant paranoia and cognitive dissonance displayed by 'patriots' who think the United States is going to invade Texas as part of our special forces operation named 'Jade Helm 15,'" said DoD Secretary Ashton B. Carter, who had an ashen face and noticeable tremor.

Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter at the demilitarized zone separating North and South Korea
PHOTO: U.S. Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Chad J. McNeeley

Carter added, "One-quarter of our 2015 budget is in this operation, but frankly our mental health workers on the ground in Texas have made no impact. And this mental health epidemic is not just in Texas. A 'surveillance operation' called 'Counter Jade Helm' encourages 'patriots' to 'practice counter-insurgency, organizational and intelligence gathering and reporting skills.'"

Secretary Carter looked to the ceiling and shook his head when an unidentified member of the press asked him if there could be any incidents with loose canons trying to stalk special forces soldiers through multiple southwestern states, especially Texas.

"I can tell you the special forces are not concerned, and are not in any danger from the mentally ill in Texas or any other state. And the whole voluntary participation component of Operation Loon Star will be made mandatory tomorrow," replied Carter.

A three-star general abruptly interrupted the press conference and whispered into Carter's left ear they had "another containment breach."