7.02.2015

Maine Governor LePage Says Slime on Body Impossible to Remove

AUGUSTA, MAINE (The Nil Admirari) - Republican Governor of Maine Paul LePage announced today the slime covering his entire body was impossible to remove. The slime on LePage has been blamed for his efforts to cut programs for the poor, sick, elderly, children, and virtually every other person in Maine who is not very wealthy.

"There's nothing for it. The slime encapsulating my plump frame just spews from my body and is largely a defense mechanism so I can slip my way out of tight spots," said LePage, who is currently under investigation for misusing the authority of his office to extort a charter school.

Maine Governor Paul LePage. (Above) (Photo: AP)

LePage said his slime demanded more tax cuts so he could pretend to be surprised next year when Maine's reduction in revenue created a massive budget deficit.

"Let's cut taxes so next year I have a reason to further cut programs for the weakest and most vulnerable members of our community. And preferably before my possible impeachment," stated LePage.

Governor LePage recently endorsed New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to be the Republican nominee for president, because "Christie is the slimiest son of a bitch out there."

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