7.01.2015

Justices Kennedy and Scalia Throw Punches in Court Chamber

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Supreme Court Justices Anthony M. Kennedy and Antonin Scalia threw punches at each other earlier today. The brief fistfight between the two erupted in the Court Chamber and involved the Court's 5-4 decision on Obergefell v. Hodges, which effective legalized gay marriage across the country.

"I chose the Court Chamber to meet Justice Scalia, because it was neutral territory. I was ready to confront him after taking a week to calm down about his dissent where he called me out and said I was a hypocrite," stated Kennedy, who was the deciding vote in the case.

The Court Chamber of the United States Supreme Court, scene of the
fistfight between Kennedy and Scalia. (Above)

A largely unscathed Kennedy added, "When he refused to listen to me and started calling me things like a 'devil-tongued rogue' and a 'rascal monkey' I just lost it and began to pummel his fat, smug face."

"Both of us were appointed by Reagan. Well, 'the Gipper ' is rolling in his grave, because Kennedy is just a candy-ass liberal and not a real conservative," said Scalia, who held a raw piece of steak to his face.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly broke up the fight after concluding Scalia would be killed if it continued for much longer.

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