7.24.2015

"Good Guy with a Gun" Had Day Off During Louisiana Shooting

LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) announced the "good guy with a gun" who was supposed to be protecting a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana had the day off. The NRA explained how Jim-Bob Turner requested Thursday, July 23rd off two weeks in advance, but due to a "scheduling oversight" forgot to have his shift covered by another "good guy with a gun" at the theater where two people were killed by a "bad guy with a gun."

"If Mr. Turner had been at the theater on his regularly scheduled Thursday, or had properly covered his shift with another 'good guy with a gun,' this tragedy would have been avoided," stated NRA Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre on how right-wing extremist and "bad guy with a gun" John Russell Houser was successful in his attack.

"Bad Guy with a Gun" John Russell Houser was also a right-wing extremist, and the NRA says he was only
successful in his attack on a movie theater in Louisiana due to the "Good Guy with a Gun" having the day off.

LaPierre added, "If only one of the victims or someone else in that theater had the courage to bring a gun and defend themselves last night this could have been avoided. Once again, the shortage of guns and gun owners in America has been proven to be a deadly mistake."

"You never think this thing can happen in a state like Louisiana where I have made sure we have some of the most lax gun control laws in America," said Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Louisiana Piyush "Bobby" Jindal.

The White House released a statement from President Obama that stated, "I'd ask these people if they were ready for real gun control, but if twenty dead children won't do it then this definitely won't."

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:

The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.