7.19.2015

Drunk Speaker Boehner Buys Controlling Interest of Winery

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A clearly drunk Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced today he purchased a controlling interest in the Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery. Boehner purchased 51% of the winery because it produced the jugs of Carlo Gallo Chablis he liked.

"All of Washington, D.C. has seen me drinking from a jug of Carlo Gallo Chablis. I always have a large supply of jugs at hand to get me through the day in this cesspool of a city," stated Boehner, who polished off a full jug of Chablis as the press filed into the room.

A jug of Carlo Rossi Chablis and winery owner Speaker John Boehner.

Boehner added, "You guys know what I am talking about, right? Why do you think I break into tears so easily? I also happen to be the least effective drunk to hold the presiding office of the House. Worst. Speaker. Ever."

An unidentified member of the press asked Boehner how many jugs of Carlo Gallo Chablis he drank a day, but not before he was able to produce another jug.

"Let's just say it is between a dozen and three dozen. Depends on how much guff I get from that black guy at the White House," replied Boehner.

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