7.31.2015

Conservatives Win on Teaching AP History Students About "Perfect America" in Their Minds

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the College Board released the new AP History curriculum with changes demanded by American conservatives since 2012, when a retired history teacher named Larry Krieger took offense to the fact AP students weren't learning about the "perfect America" in his mind.  When the Republican National Committee (RNC) learned the AP History curriculum also conflicted with the America in its collective head, it declared war on the College Board and demanded it emphasize "American exceptionalism and patriotism, and less of the inconvenient and negative stuff."

"We have done our best to address the concerns of conservatives, prove we are patriotic, and also maintain the high level of academic standards any student accepted into Advanced Placement History would expect. So students will now be taught America is very special, and was destined to rule the continent and world," stated College Board President and CEO David Coleman.

Jesus tells a rich young man in Israel he should "sell all his possessions and give to the poor" to receive "treasure in heaven."
Over 1500 year later he would be a Founding Father of America, according to the new AP History curriculum.

Coleman continued, "Slavery will now be called 'the voluntary three-fifths of a person labor movement,' and lessons on the Civil War will drop all references to slavery and assert the war started over a disagreement regarding the height of Abraham Lincoln's hat and 'each state's right to pass laws limiting hat height, even if someone is president.'"

"Also, the Ku Klux Klan will be referred to as 'freedom fighters,' Japanese internment camps during World War II will be referred to as 'prisoner of war camps' that housed all captured Japanese forces in America, and Jesus of Nazareth will be named a Founding Father," explained Coleman, as if he were reading his own death sentence.

Krieger, the RNC, and Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson released a join statement in which all agreed the changes made by the College Board "were an excellent start," but lamented "more changes are needed to better reflect the America in our minds."

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