7.29.2015

Congressional Republicans Planning to Kidnap, Haze Ted Cruz

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced today they were stepping away from misgoverning the country like drunken, syphilis-ridden jerks, and working on a team-building exercise to help them work together. While most Republicans seemed sworn to secrecy, TNA learned from an anonymous source the "team-building exercise" would involve kidnapping and hazing Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) out of revenge for his many slights to party members.

"Anyone who has been paying attention when we get to run things around here knows we pretty much suck at it. Me and McConnell can't even agree on a transportation bill that would only fund projects for three additional months. It was clear to everyone something had to be done," explained Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) between chugs of his jug of Carlo Rossi Chablis.

Senator Ted Cruz speaking at the 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (Above) 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Boehner added, "And what better way to bring Republicans together than screw with everyone's favorite Texan jackass? In 2013, that bastard messed with people in my House after he convinced all the other loonies and wacko birds to shut down the government over Obamacare. Well, it is time for his comeuppance."

"Everyone knows 'Old Mitch' is a rascal and lying hound dog. But calling me out for it goes against the rules. I hope someone doesn't teabag that stupid Texan son of a bitch," stated a smirking Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), as he drank some straight Kentucky bourbon in between sips of his Manhattan.

Congressional Republicans identified Cruz as "that freak who has dead eyes," or " that dirtbag who always comes out of nowhere," or "that sexual predator creep who touches people way too much," or "that guy whose smile makes me cry," or "that lying sack of shit."

Unconfirmed reports suggested Senator Cruz may be kidnapped and hazed very close to the time of the first Republican presidential debate, which will be held next week.

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