Army Thanks Fox News for Idiots, Guns Outside Recruitment Posts

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Pentagon thanked Fox News for encouraging idiots with guns to "guard" recruitment centers in Wisconsin, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, and elsewhere after the July 16th gun attacks on two unarmed military posts that killed five. The Army Recruiting Command especially wanted to thank Fox News for creating a situation where unarmed servicemen have to guess if random men armed with guns outside of their posts are going to attack them or "protect" them.

"We just have to hand it to Fox News. They always seem to encourage the best elements in America after a tragedy. This time we have Americans who are so patriotic they want to protect the military with their guns, but just don't seem to currently want to serve in the military," stated Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter at the demilitarized zone separating North and South Korea
PHOTO: U.S. Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Chad J. McNeeley

Carter added, "So we have heavily armed Americans who are playing 'soldier' standing outside military recruiting centers after an armed man shot up two military posts and killed five servicemen. And Fox News not only encourages these people for political aims, it interviews them like heroes."

"All of us want to thank Fox News for having to call local police so they can ask these armed loose cannons to leave. The public can help us by reporting any unusual things, like men with guns outside our centers," said Kelli Bland, speaking for the Army Recruiting Command.

Bland added, "Fox News could really show its support for armed patriots guarding places by making all of its buildings 'open carry zones' and welcoming the same 'heroes' we are seeing to defend its personnel."