7.31.2015

Conservatives Win on Teaching AP History Students About "Perfect America" in Their Minds

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the College Board released the new AP History curriculum with changes demanded by American conservatives since 2012, when a retired history teacher named Larry Krieger took offense to the fact AP students weren't learning about the "perfect America" in his mind.  When the Republican National Committee (RNC) learned the AP History curriculum also conflicted with the America in its collective head, it declared war on the College Board and demanded it emphasize "American exceptionalism and patriotism, and less of the inconvenient and negative stuff."

"We have done our best to address the concerns of conservatives, prove we are patriotic, and also maintain the high level of academic standards any student accepted into Advanced Placement History would expect. So students will now be taught America is very special, and was destined to rule the continent and world," stated College Board President and CEO David Coleman.

7.30.2015

Chris Christie Tells Fox News He Is "Not Mad, Just Stop Citing Stupid Poll Numbers"

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie told Fox and Friends that he was "not mad, just stop citing stupid poll numbers." Christie has consistently been polling lower than the margin of error in most national polls of likely Republican primary voters, and will not be eligible to participate in the first Republican debate being hosted by Fox News next week if that continues.

"You know, just shut up about how I am probably not going to be in the debate your stupid network is hosting next week. All of these polls are just stupid numbers, and keeping me out of the national debate just because I have no national support is bullshit," stated Christie, whose voice grew louder as he spoke about not being one of the ten candidates allowed on stage.

Marco Rubio Says "Cecil the Lion Should Have Just Gone to Planned Parenthood to Die"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) escalated the shameless stupidity being voiced by delusional Republicans who think they are qualified to be president. Rubio, who claimed he was "anti-choice," stated that Cecil -  a widely known Zimbabwe lion killed and decapitated by an impotent Minnesota dentist named Dr. Walter J. Palmer - "should have just gone to Planned Parenthood to die."

"That lion Cecil should have just come to America and visited Planned Parenthood to die. It probably would have been way worse than what big game hunter Dr. Palmer did to him in Zimbabwe, wherever that is," stated Rubio, who took three or four large gulps from a bottle containing either water, sambuca, or vodka.

7.29.2015

Zimbabwe Unable to Locate Impotent White American in Possession of Lion's Head

ZIMBABWE (The Nil Admirari) - The nation of Zimbabwe today announced it was unable to find American dentist Dr. Walter J. Palmer, who reportedly paid at least $50k to lure a 13-year-old lion named Cecil out of his sanctuary at Hwange National Park in order to kill and decapitate him. The white American male in possession of a lion's head has somehow alluded Zimbabwe officials, and gone into hiding after his failed attempt to cure his bedroom impotence - by killing Cecil - ignited worldwide outrage.

"We are unable to locate Minnesota dentist Walter J. Palmer, but are confident we will at some point. Everyone in Zimbabwe knows we are looking for an old, impotent white male carrying a lion's head on him so it should be any time now. If Palmer left Zimbabwe, countries around the world are lining up to prosecute him, so one way or another the world will punish him," stated Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe.

Congressional Republicans Planning to Kidnap, Haze Ted Cruz

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced today they were stepping away from misgoverning the country like drunken, syphilis-ridden jerks, and working on a team-building exercise to help them work together. While most Republicans seemed sworn to secrecy, TNA learned from an anonymous source the "team-building exercise" would involve kidnapping and hazing Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) out of revenge for his many slights to party members.

"Anyone who has been paying attention when we get to run things around here knows we pretty much suck at it. Me and McConnell can't even agree on a transportation bill that would only fund projects for three additional months. It was clear to everyone something had to be done," explained Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) between chugs of his jug of Carlo Rossi Chablis.

7.28.2015

Trump Says Palin Could Be in His Cabinet, Palin Puts in Notice

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was considering former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin for a position in his cabinet, because Palin "is a very special lady, knows what is going on, and everyone just loves her." Palin thanked Trump for the consideration, accepted a position she called "Secretion of Fatherland Security," and gave her notice that she would quit within 2 1/2 years "just like in Alaska."

"This is why I love Sarah Palin. She is tenacious and has no fear of making up words and titles. I do appreciate that she gave me a heads-up about her only staying in my cabinet for about two years, but I will totally fire her by then," stated Trump, who stood next to a smiling Sarah Palin.

Confederate Flag Ambassadors Interrupt Black Child's Party to Share "Culture"

DOUGLASVILLE, GEORGIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA was able to speak to Levi Bush, who drove one of seven Confederate flag flying pickup trucks onto a field where a black child's birthday party was taking place this weekend. Bush explained he and his friends crashed the birthday party in Douglasville, Georgia to "share our culture."

"There is a lot of misinformation out there about the Confederate flag, and me and my friends see ourselves as ambassadors of the flag so we can educate others. We were just driving around Douglasville when we spotted a black child's birthday party on private property," explained Bush.

7.27.2015

Huckabee Last Seen Running from Men with Nets Before Entering Fox News Building

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, GOP presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee was in New York City where hundreds of people witnessed him running from three men with nets before entering the News Corp. Building, which hosts the main studios of Fox News. Since that time, there has been a large police and medical presence outside the building, and Fox News has announced it is giving Huckabee "sanctuary from public health officials in general, but especially mental health experts."

"After his recent behavior on the campaign trail, Mr. Huckabee was urged by multiple mental health physicians and his family to check himself into Bellevue Hospital. Mr. Huckabee refused to do so, and his immediate family went to court to have him involuntarily committed," stated New York City Police Commissioner William J. Bratton.

Chris Christie Yells at One Millionth American, Cites "Bully Diary"

ANKENY, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie yelled at his one millionth American, but did not know it until this morning when he updated his "Bully Diary," which records his yelling exploits. The lucky American to be shouted down by Christie for approximately five minutes was an unidentified gun rights activist, who decided to challenge Christie's record on guns.

"You know, that guy yesterday was a real jerk for challenging my record on guns, which has changed since 1995 when I criticized a political opponent for wanting to repeal the assault weapons ban in New Jersey. Jerk totally deserved to be the one millionth American I yelled at," stated Christie, who held up his "Bully Diary" for the press to see.

7.26.2015

Mike Huckabee Says "I Prefer Hitler to Obama," Criticizes Iran Deal

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Former Governor of Arkansas and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced today he much preferred Hitler to Obama, because Hitler "got good stuff done." Huckabee's remarks followed his scathing criticism of the nuclear deal President Obama brokered with Iran during which he stated Obama and Iran "will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven."

"I just have to say it. I prefer Hitler to President Obama. The leader of the Third Reich never would have negotiated such a horrible agreement, and would have just attacked Iran in a beautiful blitzkrieg of death and destruction. Not Obama, though. He's trying real hard to prevent war," stated Huckabee, as his face grew red.

Kenyan President Rejects Obama's Assertion "Gays Are People," Worthy of "Equal Human Rights"

KENYA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta rejected President Obama's assertion "gays are people and deserve equal human rights, not government endorsement and enforcement of intolerant religious-based laws against them." Kenyatta assured the world he was deeply honored to be Obama's host during his visit to Kenya, but claimed "Kenya does not need advice on what to do with its much-hated social deviant homosexual population."

"We know how to handle the animal that is the homosexual here, especially the male variety. Kenya throws its homosexuals into prison where they will have close and constant contact with each other, which we believe will show them the error of their immoral ways, " explained Kenyatta, who sounded eerily like a GOP presidential candidate.

7.25.2015

Over 81% of Americans Self-Identified as "Small-Government Republican" Don't Actually Know What that Means

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA survey of Americans who self-identified as a "small-government Republican" was released, and found 81.4%  of participants did not know what being a "small-government Republican" actually meant. They ignored the real-world consequences to infrastructure, food and drug safety standards, regulations for clean air and water, education, healthcare, and many other government roles they simply took for granted.

"The vast majority of Americans self-identifying themselves as a 'small-government Republican' exhibited thinking completely divorced from the logical consequences of supporting a limited government. They expected things like good roads, high-quality public education, and safe water, food, air, and drugs, but adamantly refused to pay for any of it through taxes," stated Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who was at a loss to explain opposition to taxing the rich more.

7.24.2015

"Good Guy with a Gun" Had Day Off During Louisiana Shooting

LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) announced the "good guy with a gun" who was supposed to be protecting a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana had the day off. The NRA explained how Jim-Bob Turner requested Thursday, July 23rd off two weeks in advance, but due to a "scheduling oversight" forgot to have his shift covered by another "good guy with a gun" at the theater where two people were killed by a "bad guy with a gun."

"If Mr. Turner had been at the theater on his regularly scheduled Thursday, or had properly covered his shift with another 'good guy with a gun,' this tragedy would have been avoided," stated NRA Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre on how right-wing extremist and "bad guy with a gun" John Russell Houser was successful in his attack.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Wants Selective Service Records for Upcoming Draft, Iran War

MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker announced today he wanted the Selective Service System to give him all of its records regarding all able-bodied men ages 18-30. Walker explained he wanted to use the list to offer incentives to registered American males to volunteer for military service before he is sworn in as president, and reinstates the draft for a war with Iran.

"The Selective Service System is still around so we can have a record of all able-bodied men ages 18-25 in the event the draft is ever reinstated. Well, on my first day in the White House I will be bringing back the draft in preparation for a war with Iran," stated Walker, who stood in front of the Koch Brothers and smiling war profiteers from Lockheed Martin and Raytheon, among others.

Dunkin' Donuts CEO Supports $15 Per Day Minimum Wage

CANTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Dunkin' Brands Group, Inc. CEO Nigel Travis announced today his company supports a $15 per day minimum wage. Travis declared the move was in response to the labor movement seeking a $15 minimum wage.

"Our company has heard the concerns of workers loud and clear. They think they are worth a minimum wage of $15, and so do we," stated Travis.

7.23.2015

Army Thanks Fox News for Idiots, Guns Outside Recruitment Posts

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Pentagon thanked Fox News for encouraging idiots with guns to "guard" recruitment centers in Wisconsin, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, and elsewhere after the July 16th gun attacks on two unarmed military posts that killed five. The Army Recruiting Command especially wanted to thank Fox News for creating a situation where unarmed servicemen have to guess if random men armed with guns outside of their posts are going to attack them or "protect" them.

"We just have to hand it to Fox News. They always seem to encourage the best elements in America after a tragedy. This time we have Americans who are so patriotic they want to protect the military with their guns, but just don't seem to currently want to serve in the military," stated Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

Republican Candidates to Compete on How Fast They Can Make a Child of Illegal Immigrants Cry

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican National Committee announced today it will be having all of its presidential candidates compete with each other to see who can make a child of illegal immigrants cry the fastest. The competition will be named "Only the Republican Who Makes a Child of Illegal Immigrant Parents Cry Fastest Can Truly Protect America," and will take place at 9pm EST on Thursday, August 20th near the El Paso, Texas border crossing. 

"I already have my strategy planned out. I am going to be shooting an Uzi into the air as I yell at the child about how his or her parents are going back to wherever they came from, and they'll never see each other again," said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who wore an American flag and claimed Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu gifted the unregistered Uzi to him.

7.22.2015

Rick Perry to Ditch Glasses, Go with Monocle and Smoking Pipe

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Texas Rick Perry announced he will be swapping his reading glasses for a monocle and a smoking pipe. The move was characterized by political observers as Perry conceding the reading glasses had failed to make him appear more intelligent to Americans.

"Well, I tried the reading glasses thing and I haven't fooled anyone. People still look at me and see the stupid Texan who can't remember more than two things at the same time,"stated Perry, who was wearing his soon to be retired reading glasses.

7.21.2015

Senator Lindsey Graham Releases Trump Cockfighting Videos

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this evening, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC)  released 394 cockfighting videos allegedly related to an illegal cockfighting and gambling ring run by Donald Trump - another Republican presidential candidate.  Trump quickly denied any role in illegal cockfighting or gambling, and said he "loves cocks" and would never put two roosters into a cockpit to brawl.

"My campaign came across these despicable videos showing the mistreatment of roosters. All the cockpits have "Trump" billboards everywhere, because he is shameless and plays dirty," said Graham.

7.20.2015

MIT "President Trump Simulations" Show 97.9% Chance of War When Trump Meets Any Foreign Official

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - The Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT)  today released the results of its "President Trump Simulations." The university announced that in 97.9% of simulations, any meeting between a President Trump and a foreign official resulted in a war.

"Our simulations have been sobering. A President Trump will start a war between the United States and another country almost every time he has any kind of direct contact with a foreign official of any authority," stated Professor Maxwell Kriegerfranzen.

7.19.2015

Drunk Speaker Boehner Buys Controlling Interest of Winery

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A clearly drunk Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced today he purchased a controlling interest in the Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery. Boehner purchased 51% of the winery because it produced the jugs of Carlo Gallo Chablis he liked.

"All of Washington, D.C. has seen me drinking from a jug of Carlo Gallo Chablis. I always have a large supply of jugs at hand to get me through the day in this cesspool of a city," stated Boehner, who polished off a full jug of Chablis as the press filed into the room.

Christie to Be Louder, Meaner, More Obnoxious for Press Attention

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie informed the nation he was going to be louder, meaner, and far more obnoxious. Christie blamed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump for "raising the bully bar," and taking media attention away from his bullying on the campaign trail.

"I was in New Hampshire last week where I told an old woman who was about to lose her home that she was a leech, and she needed to get a job or die in the streets. I even shouted her down, but the media didn't cover it because of Trump," stated Christie.

7.18.2015

Trump Says He Is Now Ready to Serve in Vietnam War as POTUS

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was ready to serve in the Vietnam War. Trump said he received several deferments from the war for being too young to be command-in chief, but he has always had a strategy to win the Vietnam War and promised to share it only after he was elected president.

"I am now ready to fight the Viet Cong. The whole reason we lost that war was because I was not old enough to lead our armed forces as President of the United States," stated Trump.

Fox News Claims Islamic State Has Moon Base, Attack Imminent

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News claimed it had obtained semi-credible evidence the Islamic State completed a base on the moon, and would attack America "imminently, and at any moment." Right-wing blogger and renowned pot stirrer Pamela Geller claimed she received a Facebook friend request from "Muhammad Moon Base 1" this morning, which she claimed contained the threat to America.

"There I was double-checking my sources for a story on how President Obama was the antichrist and secret leader of the Islamic State when I heard something on Facebook. It was a friend request from the Islamic State moon base," stated Pamela Geller, who accepted the friend request.

7.17.2015

New Reality Show to Include Glenn Beck, Limbaugh, O'Reilly

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the Fox Broadcasting Company announced a new political reality show that will force contestants to work with each other respectfully to achieve common goals. "Work Together or Die" will take place in a wing of Bellevue Hospital in New York City, and boast contestants like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly.

"In our new reality show Work Together or Die, contestants must find a way to work together on a whole host of daily tasks like eating a meal, using the toilet or shower, or being able to sleep on a bed," stated Fox spokesman Aidan Reese.

7.16.2015

Huckabee Unveils Morally Superior "Boys Will Be Boys" Platform

IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee unveiled his "Boys Will Be Boys" platform today. Huckabee's platform touts his moral superiority and excuses murder, rape, and a whole host of other crimes if a male offender claims to be a Christian, but brings down the full force of the law for women, religious minorities, and members of the LGBT community.

"If you are a male and a Christian who is sorry, I will forgive you. But if you are a woman, a member of the LGBT community, an atheist, or follow a religion other than Christianity you will receive what is coming to you. It's what Jesus would want me to do," stated Huckabee.

Greece Breaks Into City-States Again, Leaves Athens Holding Bag

GREECE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all Greeks who lived outside the capital of Athens decided it was time to break into the city-state model again to show the complete lack of cultural and political unity in Greece. The announcement was made by the Greek people in response to the Syriza government in Athens betraying Greeks by agreeing to a harsh bailout from the European Union (EU).

"The government in Athens won't be around too much longer after accepting the deal from our loan sharks in the EU. They demanded more austerity measures to keep Greece a debt slave for the foreseeable future, and our government folded after promising it wouldn't," stated Yanis Varoufakis, who resigned as finance minister and likened the harshness of the deal to the Treaty of Versailles.

7.15.2015

Dick Cheney to Travel to Iran, Shoot Ayatollah Khamenei in Face

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney voiced his considerable displeasure with the nuclear agreement reached between the Obama administration and Iran. Cheney also announced his intention to travel to Iran and shoot Ayatollah Ali Khamenei - Supreme Leader of Iran - in the face with birdshot.

"Once again, it is up to me to get America into a bloody war in the Middle East. So me and my shotgun "Boomy" are off to Iran where I intend to shoot Ayatollah Khamenei in the face," stated the former vice president, who had former experience "accidentally" shooting a friend in the face.

7.14.2015

Republicans, War Profiteers Still Hopeful for War with Iran

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced today that despite a nuclear agreement between President Obama and Iran they were still very optimistic about a war with the Iranians. Republicans pointed to the extremists in Iran and to themselves as being the ultimate reason why peace would never be successfully negotiated between the two powers.

"Even if we don't kill this deal in Congress there is no way the extremists in Iran and us here at home won't violate the deal," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, who held a one-fourth full jug of Carlo Rossi Chablis.

ISIS Seeks to Be More Deadly to Americans than Armed Americans

IRAQ & SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - The Islamic State announced today its long-term goal was to be more deadly to Americans than armed Americans. The terrorist group released its statement after getting its hands on statistics showing tens of thousands more Americans have been killed by other Americans with guns than by all Islamic terrorist attacks and all wars combined since September 10th, 2001.

The National Rifle Association (NRA) responded before any United States government official, and held a press conference within minutes of ISIS declaring it desired to become a larger purveyor of violence in America than Americans with guns.

7.13.2015

Operation Loon Star Will Not Be Finished By Start of Jade Helm 15

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Department of Defense (DoD) announced today Operation Loon Star was far from being completed in Texas and would definitely not be finished prior to the start of Operation Jade Helm 15 on Wednesday. Operation Loon Star was originally reported on by TNA on May 13th, and is a military operation that began on May 15th with the objective of addressing a mental health epidemic in Texas.

"As many of you know, 'Operation Loon Star' was launched in the middle of May of this year. It was our response to the rampant paranoia and cognitive dissonance displayed by 'patriots' who think the United States is going to invade Texas as part of our special forces operation named 'Jade Helm 15,'" said DoD Secretary Ashton B. Carter, who had an ashen face and noticeable tremor.

Scott Walker Announces Candidacy to Destroy America's Economy

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Koch brothers' puppet Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) announced his candidacy to destroy America's economy by using the same failed trickle-down economic policies he has employed in Wisconsin.  Walker's announcement was largely overshadowed by the unfolding debt crisis in Greece, which Walker promised would pale in comparison to what he intended to do to the global economy.

"Like most of the other Republican candidates vying to destroy America's economy, I have cut taxes on the rich and then cut programs for everyone else due to the resulting massive deficits. My job creation has also been half of what I promised," said Walker, who seemed proud of his Koch-funded efforts.

7.12.2015

KKK Group Has Bake Sale to Increase Its Ownership of Fox News

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari) - The Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) had a bake sale outside the South Carolina State House today to raise money to increase its ownership of 21st Century Fox (FOXA), which is the parent company of Fox News.  At present, the KKK group owns 3% of Fox News and has a goal of reaching 5% ownership by the end of 2015.

"The original plan was to hold a rally on Saturday, July 18th to support the Confederate flag that flew outside the state legislature, but collaborators with non-whites took it down on Friday," said KKK "Imperial Kommander" Amanda Lee, who TNA confirmed was actually a woman.

7.11.2015

Bill Cosby Announces Run for Republican Presidential Nomination

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, actor and comedian Bill Cosby announced he will run for president as a Republican. The producer and star of "The Cosby Show"  believed the accusations he drugged and raped 40+ women over four decades will be viewed as a positive by Republican primary voters, because "I take what I want and blame the victims after exploiting them."

"I have been paying real close attention to the Republican presidential field, especially Trump. What strikes me is Republicans love to restrict rights and blame others for their problems while refusing to take personal  responsibility for their actions - like in alleged cases of rape," stated a smiling Cosby.

7.10.2015

Wisconsin Governor Walker Signs Budget Establishing Feudalism

MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker signed a $73 billion two-year budget today that will establish a feudalistic system throughout the state beginning in January 2016. The budget from the Republican-dominated legislature mandates all residents of Wisconsin who do not make at least $250,000 annually will be serfs tied to specific portions of land owned by a wealthy lord they are legally required to provide labor for.

"This is a proud day for Wisconsin, because everyone will have a job and be able to pass that job to their children and their children's children," stated Walker, who is expected to announce he will run for the Republican nomination for president on July 13th.

7.09.2015

Texas Textbook Analyzes Robert E. Lee's Presidency, South's Freeing of Slaves

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - A new Texas school textbook titled "Remembering the Great Confederacy" analyzes Robert E. Lee's presidency and the South's freeing of the slaves following the Civil War. The Texas Board of Education has announced the book will be used in every district in the state beginning this coming school year.

"These wonderful textbooks discuss very important topics in our nation's history like the Confederacy winning the war and freeing the slaves, even though the slaves didn't want to be free," stated Donna Bahorich, chairman of the state board of education.

Jeb Says Americans Must Work More, God Against Retirement

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced today Americans needed to work more hours, and God was against retirement because it isn't in the Bible. The candidate's positions have been characterized as Bush's framework for further enriching the rich on the backs of workers, and destroying Social Security.

"I want 4% growth in America's GDP every year I am president, and I will work Americans like dogs to achieve my goal. I reject the numbers that say Americans are already productive and the problem is the rich who take virtually all the profits," stated Bush at a dementia wing of a nursing home.

TNA to Host GOP Debate, All Candidates to Yell at Each Other

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Nil Admirari finished negotiations with the Republican National Committee (RNC) today and will host a Republican presidential debate on September 28th, 2015 at the Providence Performing Arts Center (PPAC) in Providence, Rhode Island. Unlike the Republican debates sponsored by the Mickey Mouse news outlets, the Nil Admirari debate will include every person who has registered to run for president as a Republican.

"The Nil Admirari presidential debate will allow all of the Republican candidates in the country to see who can scream their positions the loudest," stated Senior TNA Editor Dick Schneider, who will referee the debate with Nancy Grace, Bill O'Reilly, Chris Mathews, and Michael Moore.

7.08.2015

GOP to Boost Infrastructure Budget, Except On Things Obama Uses

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced this morning they intended to increase infrastructure funding and would more than quadruple the current expenditure by the end of the month. Republicans stated the only things to be exempt from the new funding will be any infrastructure Obama uses regularly, may use in the future, or may benefit from in any way.

"Our nation's infrastructure is in dire need of being repaired or updated so Americans who are not President Obama can travel safely around the country, and the United States can compete in the global economy," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).

7.07.2015

Ted Cruz Says Jesus Christ Should Be Official US Animal

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced today he wanted Jesus Christ to be the official animal of the United States instead of the bald eagle. His position quickly split the Republican Party into two camps, and the topic has already started to overshadow other issues on the campaign trail like the economy, social policy, and foreign policy.

“We can sort out that whole Iraq thing and that gay marriage thing down the road. It’s more important that I profess my belief Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, should be the official animal of the United States,” stated Cruz to a crowd in a high school gymnasium.

7.06.2015

Greece Challenges Merkel to Russian Roulette to Solve Debt Crisis

ATHENS, GREECE (The Nil Admirari) - Early Tuesday morning, Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras challenged German Chancellor Angela Merkel to a high-stakes game of Russian roulette in Greece's latest plan to deal with its massive debt. Tsipras announced that if he lost Greece will accept a German-sponsored plan to resolve the debt crisis, but if Merkel lost Germany must support forgiving all of Greece's debts.

"The Germans have really been busting our balls about this whole debt thing. They also really didn't like it when I suggested Germany repay Greece for loans we were forced to take from the Nazi-regime to pay for our own occupation during World War II," stated Tsipras.

Obama Signs Executive Order Making Christianity Illegal

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Barack Obama signed an executive order outlawing all forms of Christianity in the United States. Executive Order 60666 closes all Christian churches and seizes all Christian property, especially guns.

"Well, the most mentally deranged folks on the right wing have been saying this day is coming and now here it is," said Obama during an early morning press conference.

Obama added, "I am also dissolving the Supreme Court and Congress so I can be dictator for life. Again, you were all warned this would happen. Go ahead and use your guns to defend yourselves from my missiles and jets, you damn clowns."

7.05.2015

F-35 Joint Strike Fighter Loses 14 Dogfights to 1917 Biplane

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Pentagon announced today a new Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter had lost over a dozen dogfights to a 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane. The June 18th engagements showed the World War I-era Sopwith Camel exhibited "superior maneuverability and fighting aptitude" compared to its F-35 opponent.
"We are learning a lot about the F-35, and all of our learning experiences are showing us it is an excellent example of what happens when you try to make a plane do everything," stated Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

7.04.2015

Nearly 80% of Americans Unable to Name Country They Celebrate Independence From

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A study released today showed Americans have a distressing ignorance about the history of the United States, including its founding. Approximately 78% of surveyed Americans either incorrectly identified the country they celebrate independence from or refused to identify the country while claiming they wanted to see if the researcher knew it first.

"Nearly 55% of surveyed Americans identified either Mexico or Canada as the country Americans celebrate independence from on the Fourth of July. And most of them were unaware of the existence of any other countries," stated Dick Schneider, senior TNA researcher.

7.03.2015

Lindsey Graham's Campaign Selling Fireworks on Iowa Roadside

BOONE, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has been selling illegal fireworks by a roadside in Boone, Iowa for the last few days. Graham stated his struggling campaign was "thinking outside the box" for ways to raise money and allow Iowans to meet him in person.

"I am performing a patriotic service by selling fireworks to my fellow Americans who want to celebrate Independence Day. It's just an added bonus that I am also raising money for my presidential run," stated Graham, who swore it was all well within campaign finance law.

Trump Buys Gallery Selling Trump Piñatas, Will Sell Rapist Piñatas

REYNOSA, MEXICO (The Nil Admirari) - In the early hours of Friday morning, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump purchased the Mexican art gallery that produced Trump piñatas after Trump stated all illegal Hispanic immigrants were killers and rapists. Piñateria Ramirez was purchased by Trump for $30 million, and Trump says it will now be selling "Mexican Killer" and "Mexican Rapist" piñatas.

"Who's doing the killing? Who's doing the raping? The illegal immigrants coming over America's southern border," stated Trump during a press conference shortly after midnight.

7.02.2015

Maine Governor LePage Says Slime on Body Impossible to Remove

AUGUSTA, MAINE (The Nil Admirari) - Republican Governor of Maine Paul LePage announced today the slime covering his entire body was impossible to remove. The slime on LePage has been blamed for his efforts to cut programs for the poor, sick, elderly, children, and virtually every other person in Maine who is not very wealthy.

"There's nothing for it. The slime encapsulating my plump frame just spews from my body and is largely a defense mechanism so I can slip my way out of tight spots," said LePage, who is currently under investigation for misusing the authority of his office to extort a charter school.

7.01.2015

Justices Kennedy and Scalia Throw Punches in Court Chamber

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Supreme Court Justices Anthony M. Kennedy and Antonin Scalia threw punches at each other earlier today. The brief fistfight between the two erupted in the Court Chamber and involved the Court's 5-4 decision on Obergefell v. Hodges, which effective legalized gay marriage across the country.

"I chose the Court Chamber to meet Justice Scalia, because it was neutral territory. I was ready to confront him after taking a week to calm down about his dissent where he called me out and said I was a hypocrite," stated Kennedy, who was the deciding vote in the case.

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