Obama Has Increased Alcohol Intake Every Day to Deal with GOP

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Yesterday, the White House confirmed reports that President Obama has been steadily increasing his daily consumption of alcohol since moving into the presidential residence in January 2009. Obama stated his alcohol intake has grown every day "just to deal with Republicans and their bullshit."

"Listen, this job is not easy even for a white guy and I never get credit for my white half. So add that to the hyper-partisanship Republicans have embraced and you have a real nightmare that I don't think I could go through sober," stated Obama at an unusual Sunday press conference.

"If it was just me, Mitch McConnell, and John Boehner we could actually get stuff done. Mitch has a ravenous appetite for bourbon and is sauced most of the time. Boehner goes through like five of those jugs of Chablis with the picture of that old man on the label every day," explained Obama on his willingness to work with Senator McConnell (R-KY) and Speaker Boehner (R-OH).

Obama's inauguration on 1.20.2009. (Above)
His drinking has increased every day since.

President Obama added, "But those two alcoholics have to answer to the cuckoo bananas Republicans in Congress who are nasty, mean, and completely unredeemable by any amount of alcohol. It's so bad now I have started drinking Portuguese moonshine just to get through most days."

An unidentified member of the press asked Obama where he acquired a steady supply of Portuguese moonshine and he replied, "Bo Obama and I know a guy."

The press conference ended when President Obama said he was going to "get baked," because Sundays were so low-key.