Bobby Jindal to Perform Exorcism on Donald Trump's Hair

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Louisiana Governor Piyush "Bobby" Jindal announced today he intended to perform an exorcism on the hair of fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The exorcism on the demon-possessed locks was requested by Trump, who heard Jindal had performed an exorcism on a friend while he attended Brown University.

"My hair has been making me say and do things no rational person would ever say or do. I woke up one day and learned I was running for president as a Republican. Yesterday, I woke up and discovered I had been dropped by NBC for calling all illegal Hispanic immigrants killers and rapists," stated Trump.


LEGO to Transition from Plastic Pieces to Broken Glass Pieces

BILLUND, DENMARK (The Nil Admirari) - LEGO Group announced today it will be transitioning from plastic building pieces to more sustainable broken glass building pieces. The company has relied on plastic since the late 1950s, but stated it will fully transition to broken glass building pieces in time for Christmas shopping this year.

"LEGO Group is a company concerned about sustainability, but we used around 6,000 tons of plastic just last year and think we can do better. Our reliance on plastic will be broken, and glass is the answer," stated LEGO Group owner Kjeld Kirk Kristiansen.

Kristiansen pointed out glass was known for being made of widely available raw materials like sand, and is fully recyclable.


Persecuted GOP, Conservative Haters Tired of People Fighting Back

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican Party and the few conservative hatemongers not associated with it announced today they have grown tired of the people they hate fighting back. The persecuted conservatives also stated they will no longer tolerate the intolerance and "sass" of those they are intolerant of.

"The Americans we hate must stop defending themselves and let us do our thing," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) as he drank his late morning jug of Chablis.

Boehner added, "They just need to accept there are other Americans who are better than them and only pay lip service to that whole 'equality, liberty, and justice for all' thing. Any resistance to that amounts to them persecuting us."


Ben Carson Shares Date to Wed Horse Due to Gay Marriage Ruling

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson announced today he will keep his promise and marry a horse on September 18th of this year. TNA reported on May 4th that Carson had promised to marry a horse if the Supreme Court made gay marriage legal across the country, which it did yesterday.

"Well, I am going to do it now. The Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage is forcing my hand and making me marry a wonderful mare named Hee Haw," said Carson, who has compared gay marriage to bestiality and pedophilia.

Carson added, "It will be a private and solemn affair on September 18th. Justice Antonin Scalia has also agreed to preside over the wedding."


Proactive NRA Has Press Release Ready for Next Mass Shooting

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari) - The National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today it had a press release ready and waiting for the next mass shooting in the United States. NRA Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre stated such preparedness was essential to highlight why victims of gun violence were negligent for not arming themselves.

"The NRA will continue to educate Americans about their Second Amendment rights by using these horrible stories about people who failed to arm themselves being shot down by someone who did arm himself," said LaPierre.


Bill O'Reilly Claims to Have "Three to Five Black Friends"

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly claimed he had "three to five black friends" so everyone should "shut their trap," because he had the credentials to talk about race relations in America. O'Reilly needed two days of constant public pressure to recall how many black friends he had after political pundit Kirsten Powers asked him that very question on "The O'Reilly Factor."

"Listen, I am one of the best experts on race relations in America due to the three to five black friends I totally have. And they are just lovely, lovely people," said O'Reilly.


Confederate Flag OUT, Mandatory Jefferson Davis Portrait IN

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the South Carolina legislature banned the Confederate flag from state government in response to last week's racially motivated shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church that killed nine black churchgoers. Governor Nikki Haley praised the move, but cautioned it involved compromising with the flag's supporters who demanded all homes and businesses in South Carolina hang a visible portrait of Confederate President Jefferson Davis.

"We 'get it' now. The Confederate flag is a racist symbol that pays respect to the institution of slavery and those who defended it. Well, we found a way to take it down," said Haley, who helped push the deal.

Haley added, "this compromise is our response to yet another deadly shooting in America, and I believe it is right on the money."


U.S. Tries to Be More Stupid than Russia is Crazy Over Ukraine

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The United States announced today is was putting "great effort" into "being more stupid than Russia is crazy" by risking war with Russia over Ukraine. President Obama said his administration would continue sending American military forces to NATO members in Eastern Europe so long as Russia continued to deploy more troops on its border with Ukraine.

"We are very optimistic the reactionary military buildups between the United States and Russia will not result in a war with Russia. Putin is a reasonable man and realizes a war with America would be a disaster," explained President Obama in response to concerns by many experts who are afraid a simple mistake could trigger a war.

Putin - who recently announced he was constructing over 40 nuclear intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs) this year - was quick to reply to Obama's characterization of him as a "reasonable man."


Obama Has Increased Alcohol Intake Every Day to Deal with GOP

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Yesterday, the White House confirmed reports that President Obama has been steadily increasing his daily consumption of alcohol since moving into the presidential residence in January 2009. Obama stated his alcohol intake has grown every day "just to deal with Republicans and their bullshit."

"Listen, this job is not easy even for a white guy and I never get credit for my white half. So add that to the hyper-partisanship Republicans have embraced and you have a real nightmare that I don't think I could go through sober," stated Obama at an unusual Sunday press conference.

"If it was just me, Mitch McConnell, and John Boehner we could actually get stuff done. Mitch has a ravenous appetite for bourbon and is sauced most of the time. Boehner goes through like five of those jugs of Chablis with the picture of that old man on the label every day," explained Obama on his willingness to work with Senator McConnell (R-KY) and Speaker Boehner (R-OH).


Survey: 7 out of 10 Anti-Gay Christian Leaders Hiding Gay Lover

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - A national survey's findings on the sexual proclivities of America's anti-gay Christian leaders was released Sunday morning in time for many morning masses. The Boston University (BU) survey titled "Quantifying Anti-Gay Christian Leadership Duplicity" showed 7 out of every 10 respondents anonymously declared they were hiding at least one gay lover from virtually everyone else in their life.

"The results aren't all that surprising. This blatant hypocrisy comes from the notion "gays are bad" having been reinforced throughout their lives by the religious tradition most have known since they were children," explained BU sociologist Dr. Gregory Hess, who oversaw the survey.

There was almost unanimous participation in the survey of America's anti-gay Christian leaders, which Hess believed was largely due to the anonymity the survey promised.

"Being able to share their secret for once likely excited many of the participants. Most conceded it would be fun if America's Christians had to guess who among them was a raging self-loathing hypocrite," stated Hess.


Insecure Donald Trump Pledges to Use U.S. Military Like His Penis

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump pledged today to use the United States military like it was his own penis. Trump said that meant he would talk a tough game for military interventions, but he would rarely have the confidence or ability to allow the military to perform at the level he claimed it could.

"The United States military will be treated as if it was an extension of me, just like my penis 'Bigger Trump.' I will threaten a bunch of countries, only be able to follow through on very few of my grandiose claims, and then completely forget about all the times I could not perform as boasted," explained Trump.

Trump initially ignored an unidentified member of the press who asked him to comment on a leaked psychologist's report that said he was suffering from "acute self-loathing, denial, and insecurity related to being born with a silver spoon in his mouth and recognizing his success was exclusively due to that fact."

Remember Terri Shiavo? By: Jeb Bush, Former Florida Governor

Jeb Bush speaking at the 2015 CPAC in Maryland in February 2015.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Jeb Bush is a Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida (1999-2007).

Many of you may remember that as Governor of Florida I used my authority to interfere in the life of Terri Shiavo, a woman in a persistent vegetative state whose husband wanted to remove her feeding tube over the objections of her parents. Since religious issues are a huge Republican exception to small government I used my position to insert myself into the judicial process against Terri's husband and the right to die, and as an ally of her parents and the right to life. In doing so I expressed my belief in government authority over individual liberty, and used my own religious beliefs to interfere in the private affairs of others. When the state courts said I had overreached my authority I asked Congress and my brother President George W. Bush for help to delay an inevitable court ruling allowing Terri's husband to kill her.

Terri Shiavo had irreversible brain damage and there was no chance she would ever recover. Michael Shiavo, her husband, had been going through the courts in Florida for years to get permission to remove her feeding tube as Terri's guardian. Mr. Shiavo argued Terri would never want to be kept alive in her current state and in 2003 was given permission to remove his wife's feeding tube.

This is where I used my authority as governor to get the legislature in Florida to pass "Terri's Law," which gave me the authority to interfere in the very private right-to-die affair. As a small government Republican, I issued an executive order to take Terri Shiavo from hospice and had police escort her ambulance to a nearby hospital where her feeding tube was restored.  It was what her Catholic parents who had been fighting Mr. Shiavo in the courts wanted, and I took their side since I am also a Catholic who disagreed with the courts.


GOP Unveils "More Guns, More Guns, More Guns" Agenda

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced their "More Guns, More Guns, More Guns" agenda to the American people this afternoon in response to the deadly shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church that killed nine black churchgoers. The legislative goal of the agenda is to make it mandatory for all American citizens over the age of 16 to own a gun for self-protection.

"Republicans know Congress has been heavily criticized for doing absolutely nothing in the wake of a plague of gun violence. We even did nothing when twenty first-grade students and six staff members were shot and killed at Sandy Hook Elementary in December 2012," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

Boehner added, "We aren't going to be caught flat-footed after the Wednesday night attack at the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina. We aren't blaming the victims, but we are saying more guns are needed to remedy gun violence."

South Carolina to Donate Confederate Flag to Somber Black Church

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari) - South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley (R) announced this morning her state was donating a Confederate flag "just like the one outside our state house" to the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. Haley also said she would never stop searching for the sources of hate that resulted in nine worshipers being shot and killed on Wednesday night at the church.

"I am shocked and grieved that in South Carolina an allegedly white male would enter a black church during a Bible study to murder people. This is clearly an attack on America's Christians," stated Haley in front of the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church.

Haley added, "So I gift this Confederate flag and a flagpole to put it on as a reminder that all of South Carolina is behind the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church and its congregation."


40+ New Russian ICBMs This Year, U.S. Revives "Duck and Cover"

1950s students protecting themselves from nuclear explosions. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - President Barack Obama announced today America's public schools will be introduced to the old "Duck and Cover" film and begin duck and cover drills starting at the beginning of the 2015-2016 school year. The decision comes only two days after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced Russia would be constructing over 40 new nuclear intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs) by the end of 2015.

"America's student are going to love "Bert the Turtle" as he instructs them to duck under their desks for protection from a nuclear explosion. It's the best method of protection they have if they are not in the nuclear fire ball," stated Obama.


BREAKING: Boehner Breaks Obama's Arm in Basketball Match

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke President Obama's right arm this afternoon when a friendly one-on-one basketball match at the White House became heated. The increasingly physical play started after Obama mocked Republicans for the Supreme Court case King v. Burwell, which could take healthcare away from over six million Americans.

"You jackasses don't think anything through, do you?" asked President Obama, according to an anonymous source inside the White House. Obama was allegedly pushing Boehner.

Initial reports also claimed Boehner's face grew red as the Speaker started using his elbows against President Obama.

Gay Americans Take Responsibility for Tropical Storm "Bill"

TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - The gay community in America today took credit for Tropical Storm "Bill." The tropical depression was released upon Texas on Tuesday afternoon, and is expected to cause major flooding.

"Gay America is more than happy to take credit for Tropical Storm Bill and the heavy flooding it will bring Texas and Oklahoma. Religious conservatives have not overstated our control over the weather," stated American gay activist Dan Savage.


Rubio Congratulates Tampa Bay Blackhawks for Stanley Cup Win

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) congratulated the Tampa Bay Blackhawks for winning the Stanley Cup. The Blackhawks won Game 6 of the NHL Stanley Cup Final last night by scoring two unanswered goals.

"I just want to congratulate Tampa Bay for winning the Stanley Cup for the first time since 2004," said Rubio at a rally in some godforsaken place in Iowa.

The senator claimed to be a die-hard fan of the Blackhawks all of his life.


Barbara Bush Announces Run for President, Attacks Son Jeb

PORTLAND, MAINE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, former First Lady Barbara Bush shocked the political world when she announced she was running for president on the same day her son Jeb Bush was scheduled to announce his run. The ninety-year-old wife of former President George H.W. Bush and mother of former President George W. Bush said she was "far more qualified" to lead the country than anyone else.

"I have been keeping this Bush operation going for years. I have five times the balls and ten times the brains of my husband and sons," said Barbara Bush to the early risers at the Portland Senior Center.

Barbara Bush explained she loved her son Jeb, but admitted the rumor he was "the smart one" of her two most political sons had been grossly overstated. She warned Jeb would "shit the money bed" like his brother George.


Walmart Closing All U.S. Stores to Stop Employees Unionizing

BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS (The Nil Admirari) - Chain retail giant Walmart announced today it will be closing all of its more than 4,000 stores in the United States to stop its employees from unionizing. Walmart stated a handful of stores were at risk of becoming unionized so it chose "the scorched earth option" to immediately make over 1.3 million associates unemployed.

"At Walmart we would much rather shut down all operations than allow any of our ungrateful and overpaid employees to start a union," said Greg Foran, President and CEO, Walmart U.S.


Chris Christie Says "College Students Should Be Debt Slaves"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stated America should not invest in its college students. The probable Republican presidential candidate also stated "whiny" college students should not ask the government for help with the increasingly exorbitant cost of higher education.

"Why should our college students get any financial help from the government? Investing in them is a waste of government money, and the liberal way of doing things," stated Christie.

The governor added, "I don't believe it is the role of the government to help its citizens."


Santorum to Buy Minivan to Meet with All of His Iowa Supporters

IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has been meeting with large crowds of supporters numbering from one to as many as five people at diners and other venues across Iowa.  In order to accommodate such numbers, the former Pennsylvania senator announced today he will be purchasing a minivan so he can meet with all of his supporters in the Hawkeye State.

"Everything is going great and exceeding my wildest expectations. I love these intimate gatherings where I can talk directly with Iowans and am excited to buy a minivan so I can meet with all of my supporters in Iowa," said Santorum.


Christian Fundamentalist Refuses Help from Gay Paramedics, Dies

BENTLEY, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - A 55-year-old man from Bentley, Louisiana died today because he refused medical care from paramedics he learned were gay. Paul Webb, a Christian fundamentalist, asked for a second ambulance to come to his home and died of shock prior to its arrival.

"Mr. Webb called 911 this morning after a lawn mower accident severed his left hand. Our paramedics arrived at his residence within minutes, but Mr. Webb refused any assistance that could have prevented him from bleeding out because he learned both of the paramedics were gay," stated Gabriel Asher, a spokesman for the Bentley Fire Department.

"Here's this guy bleeding out on his driveway and just as we were about to save his life he asked us if we were gay. When we confirmed his suspicion he called 911 again and demanded another ambulance," said Michael Link, one of the responding paramedics.


Obama Considering Offer from Mexico to Purchase Texas

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - President Obama announced today he was "carefully considering" an offer from Mexico to purchase Texas. Obama told Texans he probably would not sell their state to Mexico, despite all the Texas-related guff he has had to contend with.

"Just because Texas is a huge pain in my ass doesn't mean I am going to sell it to Mexico. At least not at the opening offer I received from Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto," stated Obama.

Obama declined to say how much the offer was, but did claim it was too low "even for Texas."

"I know there are a lot of good people in Texas and the loud ones just get all of the attention. But one minute the crazies are claiming I am going to declare martial law in Texas, and the next they are asking me for help after some deadly flooding," explained Obama.


Right Wing Says It Will Respect Gay Marriage Ruling, Move On

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the American right wing made a surprise announcement saying it will respect whatever ruling the Supreme Court reaches on gay marriage and then move on. The right wing also said it will continue its tradition of being respectful and gracious to its political opponents when they win.

"The right wing will accept whatever decision the Supreme Court makes on gay marriage. If the liberals win we will congratulate them before we move on. We respect the system handed down to us by the Founders even when we don't win," stated right-wing radio host Glenn Beck.


GOP Unveils "Move to Canada" Alternative to Obamacare

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Congressional Republicans fearful the Supreme Court will rule against Obamacare in King v. Burwell announced their "Move to Canada" alternative healthcare plan today. Liberals and conservatives alike lauded the plan and the subsidies it provides Americans who want healthcare as a human right to move to Canada.

"We have finally done it," said a triumphant Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "Republicans have found a way to give Americans the choice to stay in the United States and not be guaranteed healthcare or move to Canada with government subsidies if they insist on having healthcare."


Walker Falls Off Pie Eating Contest Platform, Blames Teamsters

BESSIE, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin fell off the platform at the annual Bessie Blueberry Pie Eating Contest. Walker blamed the Teamsters responsible for building the platform after losing his footing and falling forward into the crowd below.

"This just goes to show you why I am so anti-union. The Teamsters constructed a faulty platform that poverty wage 'right-to-work' guys would have built properly," stated Walker, as he tried to laugh the fall off and bravely mounted the stage again.

The International Brotherhood of Teamsters was quick to respond through spokesman Gene Jerry.

"That bastard Walker fell from the platform because he is a union busting son of a bitch who has the Koch brothers so far up his ass he cannot walk straight unless they tell him to," explained Jerry.


Kansas Republicans Cut More Taxes Prior to Selling State to Kochs

TOPEKA, KANSAS (The Nil Admirari) - Kansas Republicans announced today they will keep and even expand tax cuts for businesses and the rich despite having an approximately $400 million deficit due to years of such policies. Republican Governor Sam Brownback defended the tax cuts and promised Kansans more spending cuts to things like education and infrastructure before being forced to sell Kansas to the billionaire Koch brothers.

"Kansas is a great example of the effectiveness of trickle-down economics. The rich just need a little more time with their tax cuts before all Kansans can enjoy the golden shower Republicans and the Koch brothers are responsible for," said Brownback.

Brownback warned Kansans the price for such economic prosperity was more cuts in spending.

"So while Kansans wait they must make sacrifices, and that means Republicans will be cutting spending on unimportant things to the Koch brothers like education, infrastructure, and welfare programs," explained Brownback.


Hillary Supports Automatic Voter Registration for Hillary Voters

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced today she is in favor of automatic voter registration for Hillary Clinton voters. The former Secretary of State also called out Republicans for their support of voter suppression efforts aimed at Democratic voters, but especially Hillary Clinton voters.

"The Republican Party has been pretty blatantly supportive of restricting the voting rights of groups that will not vote for its candidates. It seems to work for them so I thought my campaign could test it out during the Democratic primaries in 2016," stated Clinton.

"If you think I am going to allow some unkempt 73-year-old socialist from Vermont to take the presidency away from me you better think again," said Clinton, who was referring to Senator Bernie Sanders.


After Biden Joke Ted Cruz Announces Plan to Kick Baby in the Face

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced his plan to kick a baby in the face. The statement followed Cruz's mocking of Vice President Joe Biden, who lost his son Beau to brain cancer on Saturday and is burying him today.

"I will be kicking a baby in the face later today to make sure everyone is clear about what kind of guy I am," stated Cruz.

An unidentified member of the press asked Cruz what baby he planned to kick in the face.

"Great question. The baby I have selected is Hillary Clinton's granddaughter Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky," said Cruz.


Lincoln Chafee More Unknown to Americans than Rhode Island

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee confirmed he will run for president as a Democrat and officially announce his decision this evening. A TNA poll conducted earlier in the week found a vast majority of Americans had no idea who Lincoln Chafee was and had never heard of Rhode Island.

When Americans were asked who Lincoln Chafee was just over 96% responded "never heard of him" or "he's that guy who freed the slaves." Just under 91% responded "is that a thing?" or "Long Island?" when queried about Rhode Island.


Hillary Frantically Hides Wall Street Money Under Mattress

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was observed frantically trying to hide Wall Street cash donations under her bedroom mattress. Elderly neighbors also reported Clinton was saying something about "that damn democratic socialist from Vermont."

"I don't think I can get it all under here," Hillary told former President Bill Clinton - her husband. Witnesses said hundred dollar bills were strewn all over the floor as more fell out from underneath the mattress.


Obama Weather Machine Blamed for Texas and Oklahoma Floods

DALLAS, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - A perfect storm of conservative talking heads announced today the "Obama Weather Machine" was responsible for the heavy rains that have caused deadly flooding in Texas and Oklahoma. The story riled up conservatives so much Fox News was forced to run with it this afternoon.

"There is an Obama Weather Machine out there and it has forced proud Texans to ask the federal government for help. This was all President Obama's plan from the beginning so he could declare martial law and forcible immunize your children," stated radio show host Alex Jones.


The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.