Vatican Warns Italians Not to Treat Gays Like People

VATICAN CITY (The Nil Admirari) - The Vatican warned Italians today not to even think about legalizing gay civil unions or - even worse - gay marriage . Its cautioning followed a popular vote in Ireland where 62% of voters approved of a constitutional amendment legalizing gay marriage.

"The Catholic Church will not be embarrassed by Italians who want to give consenting adults of the same gender the same rights as consenting adults of different genders," warned Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi.

Lombardi made sure to remind Italians of their past trespasses by adding, "We are still pissed off about that 1974 divorce referendum you totally ignored the us on, you unrepentant sinners and breakers of vows."

Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi S.J.
(PHOTO: Daniel Ibáñez/CNA)

"If Italy goes down the same hell-bound road as Ireland and the rest of Western Europe it will force the Catholic Church to consider moving its headquarters elsewhere," said Lombardi, who was unable to name a single place the Vatican was considering relocating to.

Father Lombardi concluded his press conference by stating Pope Francis will be unavailable for comment on the issue, because the Holy Father was "too nice" to give Italians the tough love they needed.