5.07.2015

Texas Declares State of Emergency, Appoints Chuck Norris President

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) announced a State of Emergency in the Lone Star State and named Chuck Norris the President of the Republic of Texas. Abbott defended his decision and stated, "Despite denials from the Pentagon, a lot of Texans still fear the Jade Helm 15 military exercise expected to start here in mid-July is actually a federal plot to declare martial law and seize control of our state."

President Norris quickly declared martial law to reestablish order and directed the Texas State Guard to surround every U.S. military base in the former American territory.

"The people of Texas are in no way insulting America's brave soldiers who are just following orders, but we will target any American military personnel who have not left Texas within seventy-two hours," said President Norris during a press conference from his presidential mansion at the Alamo.

 President Chuck Norris. (PHOTO: DOD Sergeant Alicia J. Brito, USMC)

"I don't know what reality President Obama is living in, but I will not allow Texas to be put under martial law and seized by the United States," stated Norris. He subsequently announced Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) had been named Vice President of Texas for his "undeniable patriotism and loyalty to America."

Cruz quickly resigned from the United State Senate and terminated his campaign to be the Republican Party's nominee for President of the United States.

President Obama was asked for comment on the unfolding events in Texas. He shrugged and replied, "meh."

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