5.28.2015

Santorum Asks Americans Not to Check Definition of "Santorum"

LEESBURG, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum asked American voters today not to check the Urban Dictionary definition of his last name. Santorum tried to get voters to focus on other issues by stating, "there are plenty of problems and a lot of scary stuff in my platform you can bitch about."

"Instead of checking the definition of my last name just focus on how I oppose all forms of pornography and want to make gay sex between consenting adults illegal," said Santorum.

Rick Santorum on Wikipedia
Rick Santorum speaking at the 2015 CPAC in Maryland on 2.27.2015. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Santorum looked nervously at several groups of people in the crowd that were more focused on what they were reading on their phones.

"I also think Obamacare is a conspiracy to kill Republicans and do not support abortion under any circumstances," stated Santorum, who spoke louder than before.

Santorum suddenly threw his hands up into the air and loudly stated, "Fine. My last name means 'the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.'"

The press conference ended abruptly and well before Santorum could finish explaining how unelectable he is.

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