5.10.2015

Cheney Announces Run for President, Promises Minimum of Two Wars

JACKSON, WYOMING (The Nil Admirari) - Former Vice President Dick Cheney announced today he was running for president and hoped to be the Republican nominee. Cheney said his presidency would strive "to complete the important work started by President George W. Bush and repair the damage President Obama has done."


"George W. Bush was always selfishly getting in the way of my goals for America," stated Cheney, who shook his head in disapproval of the president's interference. "And don't even get me started on Obama. He is wasting everyone's time and money by not attacking other sovereign countries and occupying them."


A member of the press asked Cheney if he was concerned about most Americans having a negative opinion of him and his conduct while vice president.

Dick Cheney
Cheney speaks at Camp Anaconda, Iraq in 2008. Credit: Magnus Manske

"No," replied Cheney. He grunted before adding, "I think Americans will see I need broad authority to clean up the messes of two presidents who are so arrogant they cannot see how everything I did as vice president was correct in every way."


Cheney confessed he may not be able to accomplish all his aims for America in one term.

"I have at least two countries in mind to go to war with, and they know who they are. But I am concerned I won't be able to attack all of the countries I want to during my first term," explained Cheney.


President George W. Bush was asked for comment on Cheney becoming the latest Republican presidential candidate.

"He was the best co-president ever," stated Bush.

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