5.12.2015

Banks Preparing for "Unavoidable Crash" in 2016, "Feel Pretty Good"

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Wall Street informed America today there will be an "unavoidable crash" of the stock market in 2016. The nation's financial institutions were represented by Jamie Dimon - chairman, president, and chief executive officer of JPMorgan Chase - during a late afternoon press conference.

"We feel pretty good about the 2016 crash and will make out like bandits again," said Dimon.

Jamie Dimon (AP)

A member of the press asked Dimon if he could clarify what he meant by "make out like bandits."

"Sure. In 2016, we will warn Americans if the federal government doesn't bail us out the whole financial system will tank and take them with it. So 2008 will happen all over again. We'll get free money from taxpayers and banks that are already 'too big to fail' will get even bigger," stated Dimon.

Dimon was asked if he truly believed the government would not take more effective action in 2016.

"Yes. Bank executives and government regulators pretty much just switch offices. Rich people who are responsible for the crash will get richer and let the average American eat it," explained Dimon.

There was one scenario Dimon thought would be far worse than the unavoidable stock market crash in 2016.

"Imagine how much worse it would be if the government regulated banks and prevented them from becoming monsters that threaten to sink our economy every second of every day," said Dimon, who shuddered.


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