America Unsure of How Many Wars it is Currently Waging

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the United States was unable to answer the question of how many wars it was currently taking part in. The White House, Pentagon, Department of Defense, Joint Chiefs of Staff, Department of State, Department of Homeland Security, NSA, CIA, Department of Agriculture, and every member of Congress gave different answers ranging from "zero" to "around 130" wars.

Some American individuals and entities could not even agree on the definition of "war." And those that could agree on a definition wanted to make a distinction between "proxy wars" and "war wars."

Most Americans alive today have never seen their country
officially declare war or a headline like the one above.

The White House considered the war in Syria a "war war" when America was helping President Assad fight the Islamic State, but considered it a "proxy war" when America was "helping" Syrian rebels fight Assad. It was suspiciously quiet on how to classify America's current role in Iraq or Yemen.

Congress said it had not been asked to declare war on another nation in decades and claimed we lived "in an era of unparalleled peace." The military and intelligence wings mostly asked what we meant by "involved," "taking part in," "waging," and "expedited weapons shipments."

The most confused group in America was its citizens, who have become numb to hearing about perpetual war and are unable to follow the conflicts their government wages until they escalate into "war wars."


The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.