4.27.2015

Ted Cruz Says Psychiatrist Has Cleared Him to Run for President

HOUSTON, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - On Monday morning Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) held a press conference outside of his Houston home and claimed to have been medically cleared to run for the highest office in the country. "I know there has been some public concern about my mental health and some names like 'wacko bird' thrown around. That is why I stand here today to announce to America I have been given the thumbs-up by my psychiatrist, Doctor Hugo Eagle, to run for president," stated grinning Cruz. 


Cruz held up what appeared to be a typical rectangular doctor's note for all to see. "Dr. Eagle assures America my paranoia, histrionic personality disorder, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder are all at manageable levels for me to be the next president. After all, the gays and Muslims are coming for all of us, America is doomed without me unless I get to kick the poor and the sick off of social safety net programs, the world needs me because I am so smart, and.... why the hell is that reporter in the front row looking down and not paying attention to me?!"

Senator Ted Cruz speaking at the 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (Above) 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Heidi Cruz, the senator's wife, used her right hand to rub her ego-syntonic husband's back before stating, "You are the gonna get those gays and Muslims, punish those poor and sick people, and make the world see how much better you are than them."


Senator Cruz's mood changed rapidly after receiving praise from his wife.

"Now where was I?" asked a smirking Cruz. "Oh, yeah. So my psychiatrist has cleared me to be president and everyone should just vote for me.  Unless you want the communist, fascist, and freedom-hating Democrats to promote gay marriage, Shariah Law, the killing of Christians who have every right to hate anyone not like them, real solutions for global warming, giving immigrants amnesty, bankrupting America by guaranteeing everyone has healthcare, and the death of freedom itself."


"You need me, America," asserted a still smirking Cruz. "I know I have been called a wacko bird by some in the past, and to them I say if standing for liberty and standing for the Constitution makes you a wacko bird then I am a very, very proud wacko bird.”

The Cruz 2016 campaign released some of the senator's medical records, which showed there was a family history of similar psychological disorders on his father's side.


After exhaustive efforts to find a Doctor Hugo Eagle in the Houston area, and a subsequent national search, it was concluded he did not exist. A phone number for Doctor Eagle given to the press by the Cruz 2016 campaign resulted in a disconnected number formerly used by piƱata factory.

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