4.29.2015

Proctologist Clears Huckabee, Santorum to Run for President

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier this afternoon Dr. Dean Backmann, a renowned Des Moines proctologist, announced he was clearing former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum to run for the GOP nomination for president. This announcement is viewed by many political observers as the last hurdle both Huckabee and Santorum needed to clear before deciding whether they would run in 2016.


"I have seen a lot of specimens in my time, but these two are something else," said Backmann, who shook his head. The doctor took a long pause before addressing members of the press again. "After examining both Huckabee and Santorum I can say they are healthy and definitely ready to compete in the melee that is the Republican nomination for president."

When asked which of the two were the most healthy Backmann said it was "a tough call." The doctor seemed to be carefully collecting his thoughts before elaborating on his answer.

Rick Santorum on Wikipedia
Rick Santorum speaking at the 2015 CPAC in Maryland on 2.27.2015. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

"I don't know. Right off the bat, non-Christians are going to be deeply offended by both of their views. The same goes for moderate and liberal Christians who value civil rights," explained Backmann. The proctologist shrugged at the difficult assessment. "It's similar for scientists and anyone who respects acquiring knowledge through logical processes. Their positions on stem cell research, global warming, and environmental protection are comparably outrageous and mind-numbing."

"Both Huckabee and Santorum are also sure to enrage large groups of women who want to have freedom over their own reproductive health, because they share extreme views and support banning abortion under any circumstances," stated Backmann without any prodding from the press.


Dr. Backmann ignored the raised hands of reporters as he tried his best to answer the original question.

Huckabee at 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (PHOTO: Gage Skidmore)

"Santorum definitely edges out Huckabee when it comes to enraging the LGBT community. I mean, Rick Santorum has an Urban Dictionary entry defining his last name as a bi-product of anal sex," stated Backmann.  He shook his head dismissively. "No way Huckabee can catch up to the disrespect Santorum has leveled against the LGBT community if they both enter the presidential race."

Sensing the press was becoming restless, Dr. Backmann tried to give a definitive answer as to whether Huckabee or Santorum was the healthiest specimen.


"Huckabee comes off as being the best genuine specimen where Santorum seems like he is trying way too hard to be the best," said Backmann before dismissively waving his right hand at the press. "It's really like comparing two buckets of slime against each other - a real crapshoot."

Backmann did concede an even more healthy specimen than either Huckabee or Santorum may have already announced his 2016 GOP presidential bid "in the form of Senator Ted Cruz of Texas."

Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum could not be reached for comment following Dr. Backmann's statements.


 

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