4.28.2015

Pat Robertson Has Moment of Lucidity on the 700 Club, Apologizes

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari) - Televangelist Pat Robertson experienced a disturbing moment of lucidity on the Tuesday broadcast of the Christian Broadcast Network (CBN) flagship television program the 700 Club. Robertson suddenly went silent while discussing the evils of not giving CBN money when a look of sheer trepidation came across his face and he threw his gaze and hands up to the heavens. In the resulting tirade Robertson apologized to God and his fellow man for his life's work.

"God, what have I done with my wicked life?" Robertson asked the Judeo-Christian deity he frequently launched fundraisers in the name of. The televangelist's eyes began to fill with water as he looked into the camera to address his son Gordon Robertson, a fellow 700 Club host who often filled in for him. "Gordon, I am so sorry that I turned you into the warped monster of avarice and hate you have become. I have completely failed you as a father and am ashamed to be the ring leader of this circus."


A stunned Terry Meeuwsen, who co-hosted the 700 Club broadcast from a chair at Robertson's right, looked nervously at the camera and strained to put a smile on her face. "Well, I think that was a great joke, Pat."

"I'm not joking, Terry," snapped Robertson. The televangelist scowled as he turned to face Meeuwsen. "We are false prophets and healers, agents of hate, and self-righteous financial predators that prey upon the most weak and vulnerable segments of our society."

Meeuwsen looked to her left at something or someone off-screen as Robertson faced the camera again. "Well Pat, I think it may be time for a commercial brea.."

"Take gay marriage. Legalizing it is a logical argument using the Constitution's Equal Protection Clause, as if our "True American" viewers even know what that is... We're talking about the freedom of two consenting adults who love each other and want to get married just like any other two consenting heterosexual adults can do," explained Robertson.

His face was turning red as he continued, "But we don't talk about serious issues of freedom like informed citizens on this program. All we do is focus on something stupid like anal sex, as if many heterosexuals don't participate in it or it is universal in all gay relationships. And it's because our viewers are low-information people brimming with prejudices against their fellow man that we cannot discuss issues like adults. So we fleece them."

A stunned Meeuwsen seemed paralyzed to do or say anything as Robertson's disturbingly lucid confession moved on.

"It is simply good business to stoke the flames of hatred against our fellow man," stated a heavily perspiring Robertson whose eyes began to overflow with tears.  His hands and gaze returned to the proper position to address God. "We cherry pick things from the Bible that foster hate against groups like the LGBT community, but ignore what the Bible says about the rich and those who are insatiably greedy like us."   

At this junction someone off camera could be heard whispering "Pat stop" to Robertson, but the televangelist either could not hear his name being called or intentionally ignored it. "Take the Gospel of Luke for example," Robertson told the show's remaining viewers. "It tells us we should sell all of our possessions and give to the needy, and it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to reach heaven."

"And what do we do?" asked Robertson of God. "We give charity only on the condition people believe the same things we do and amass a shameful amount of wealth for ourselves. All the while we ignore the Gospel of Timothy, which tells us money is the root of all evil, and the Gospel of Mathew, which tells us we can only serve one master - either money or God. Well, I am a whore for money. We all know it."

It was around this time that Meeuwsen's right hand began to flail at the cameraman to stop filming.

"I hope there's still time for me to make amends so I don't end up in hell like Jerry Falwell, because that is definitely where he is right now," said Robertson. "That blatant money-making machine we call Liberty University was more than enough to ensure that. And I was there supporting him, his partner-in-crime pushing our hateful perversion of Christianity that places a libertarian self-pride over God, and only helps others if it gets something in return..."

Robertson's extended moment of lucidity was ended by CBN and a "Please Stand By" screen replaced the usual broadcast.

Shortly after the 700 Club broadcast CBN announced Pat Robertson had decided to retire from CBN and phone lines were never interrupted for those viewers who wanted to pledge money. Pat Robertson could not be reached for comment.


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