4.26.2015

Obama: Trans-Pacific Partnership "Won't Open the Gates of Hell"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - President Obama reassured Americans on Sunday afternoon the secretive Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) agreement being negotiated behind closed doors by corporate lawyers and unavailable for review by legislators in Congress "won't open the gates of hell." The president admitted he could understand such concerns and stated, "Just because the Republicans in Congress finally agree with me on something and will help me get this thing fast tracked through Congress does not mean it is completely rotten from the inside out or the gates of hell will open on various places on Earth."

"It is no secret the Republicans have tried to block every piece of significant legislation I have supported and they will likely be voting to hand over their authority to modify or even debate the TPP legislation," said a shrugging Obama. "Why can't we all just be happy about this rare moment of bipartisanship and ignore the fact my administration won't allow anyone not negotiating the TPP to actually read a draft of the agreement?"

President Obama. (PHOTO: Reuters)

When pressed by a reporter from Fox News about many Democrats in Congress being opposed to the TPP, the president conceded his party was having a little tiff over the free trade agreement.  "Yes. I admit some Democrats don't agree with my administration on the TPP, but let's not make a big thing about politicians like Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders standing in opposition to it. They clearly don't stand for economic justice and the middle class like the GOP does."

The president found it difficult to keep his composure when an MSNBC reporter asked why leaked drafts of the TPP showed most of its chapters do not even mention free trade, but are more concerned with putting limits on environmental, health, food safety, labor, and other domestic policies.

"Now I have had just about enough of all of these lies and misinformation," scolded Obama, who wagged his right index finger at the indiscreet member of the press. "And before you ask if you can see a draft of the TPP, the answer is 'no.' Everyone may be able to see what is in the TPP agreement after my good Republican friends in Congress rubber stamp it for me. Maybe."

Sensing he was losing his audience, the president tried to transition back to a softer touch. "You cannot rely on reports the TPP will allow corporations to sue the United States for monetary compensation just because we have environmental, health, or labor laws - like setting a minimum wage - they believe to be infringing on their ability to make profits. This will be the largest free trade deal ever, and I again assure Americans that while it will greatly benefit the super rich and beggar all others it will not open the gates of hell."

President Obama hastily ended the casual question and answer session with the press when he was told portions of his last statement "could not be off the record."

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