Hillary Clinton Invites Bernie Sanders to Concede

NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton invited Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont to concede the party's nomination to her. Clinton had just finished giving a speech at Columbia University when she learned the independent senator from Vermont officially announced he was becoming a member of the Democratic Party in order to challenge her.

"I invite Senator Sanders to do what is best for America and concede the Democratic presidential nomination to me," stated Clinton. She sipped some water from a Hillary 2016 water bottle before adding, "He can show his patriotism and his love of democracy by allowing Americans to choose between me and whatever cuckcoo bananas clown the Republicans come up with."


Proctologist Clears Huckabee, Santorum to Run for President

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier this afternoon Dr. Dean Backmann, a renowned Des Moines proctologist, announced he was clearing former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum to run for the GOP nomination for president. This announcement is viewed by many political observers as the last hurdle both Huckabee and Santorum needed to clear before deciding whether they would run in 2016.

"I have seen a lot of specimens in my time, but these two are something else," said Backmann, who shook his head. The doctor took a long pause before addressing members of the press again. "After examining both Huckabee and Santorum I can say they are healthy and definitely ready to compete in the melee that is the Republican nomination for president."

When asked which of the two were the most healthy Backmann said it was "a tough call." The doctor seemed to be carefully collecting his thoughts before elaborating on his answer.


Pat Robertson Has Moment of Lucidity on the 700 Club, Apologizes

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari) - Televangelist Pat Robertson experienced a disturbing moment of lucidity on the Tuesday broadcast of the Christian Broadcast Network (CBN) flagship television program the 700 Club. Robertson suddenly went silent while discussing the evils of not giving CBN money when a look of sheer trepidation came across his face and he threw his gaze and hands up to the heavens. In the resulting tirade Robertson apologized to God and his fellow man for his life's work.

"God, what have I done with my wicked life?" Robertson asked the Judeo-Christian deity he frequently launched fundraisers in the name of. The televangelist's eyes began to fill with water as he looked into the camera to address his son Gordon Robertson, a fellow 700 Club host who often filled in for him. "Gordon, I am so sorry that I turned you into the warped monster of avarice and hate you have become. I have completely failed you as a father and am ashamed to be the ring leader of this circus."


Ted Cruz Says Psychiatrist Has Cleared Him to Run for President

HOUSTON, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - On Monday morning Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) held a press conference outside of his Houston home and claimed to have been medically cleared to run for the highest office in the country. "I know there has been some public concern about my mental health and some names like 'wacko bird' thrown around. That is why I stand here today to announce to America I have been given the thumbs-up by my psychiatrist, Doctor Hugo Eagle, to run for president," stated grinning Cruz. 

Cruz held up what appeared to be a typical rectangular doctor's note for all to see. "Dr. Eagle assures America my paranoia, histrionic personality disorder, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder are all at manageable levels for me to be the next president. After all, the gays and Muslims are coming for all of us, America is doomed without me unless I get to kick the poor and the sick off of social safety net programs, the world needs me because I am so smart, and.... why the hell is that reporter in the front row looking down and not paying attention to me?!"


Obama: Trans-Pacific Partnership "Won't Open the Gates of Hell"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - President Obama reassured Americans on Sunday afternoon the secretive Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) agreement being negotiated behind closed doors by corporate lawyers and unavailable for review by legislators in Congress "won't open the gates of hell." The president admitted he could understand such concerns and stated, "Just because the Republicans in Congress finally agree with me on something and will help me get this thing fast tracked through Congress does not mean it is completely rotten from the inside out or the gates of hell will open on various places on Earth."

"It is no secret the Republicans have tried to block every piece of significant legislation I have supported and they will likely be voting to hand over their authority to modify or even debate the TPP legislation," said a shrugging Obama. "Why can't we all just be happy about this rare moment of bipartisanship and ignore the fact my administration won't allow anyone not negotiating the TPP to actually read a draft of the agreement?"


Bobby Jindal Unveils His "Separate and Unequal Social Policy" for America

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Speaking at a Republican fundraiser earlier today Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced how disappointed he was with many conservative politicians in the country for running away from the fight to allow bigoted religious Americans to decline service to the LGBT community. A potential GOP candidate for president, Jindal gave Americans a preview of what his campaign's vision for the county would look like by unveiling his "Separate and Unequal Social Policy."

"If a Christian business owner disapproves of the way someone else lives or looks that Christian merchant has the religious right to decline service to that person," Jindal said to the two hundred or so rich donors in attendance. The governor gave someone in the audience a playful wave as he continued, "In fact, I think my Separate and Unequal Social Policy is exactly the direction America needs to go in if we are truly going to be the land of the free. Otherwise, every American will be protected under the law and forced to treat each other with dignity and respect, and that is just not the American way."


Kansas Limits Welfare to Unregistered Gun Owners, Registered Republicans, Those Who Have Tap Water that Catches Fire

TOPEKA, KANSAS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed legislation that will only grant welfare benefits from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program to unregistered gun owners, registered Republicans, and/or those who live in a region of the state where their tap water catches on fire. The move is the second stab at the poor and most vulnerable members of Kansas society in a week.

On April 16th, Brownback signed HB 2258, which solved the rampant problem of TANF recipients spending welfare money at swimming pools, lingerie stores, tattoo parlors, movie theaters, casinos, cruise ships, psychic shops, and massage parlors instead of using the funds to buy essentials like food. "I don't know how these takers can go without eating food and spend their money on luxuries like tattoos and massages, but we don't have to worry about that anymore," stated Brownback after he signed the bill. A smirk developed on his face as he continued, "This will definitely solve the problem of homelessness and child poverty being at record levels in Kansas, and pave the way for more tax breaks for the deserving job creators. I'm sure that won't worsen the massive state deficit."


Rubio 2016 Campaign H.Q. in Part of Miami Beach that is Always Flooded

MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Citing his "commitment to both sound science and the healthy debate on the existence of climate change" the presidential campaign of U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (R-F.L.) announced the candidate will set up his campaign headquarters in a part of Miami Beach that is always flooded. The announcement comes two days after Rubio bravely voiced his denial of man-made climate change, a move political strategists say the senator has brilliantly reinforced with his decision on where his campaign headquarters will be.
"The senator will not be seen as a man who listens to the overwhelming majority of scientists over the loud, strongly held beliefs of conservative Republican primary voters," stated Rubio 2016 Spokesperson Renee Krieger, whose legs and the podium they stood behind were being lapped by gentle waves in the three foot deep pool of the first floor of Rubio 2016 Campaign Headquarters.

 "And what better place to do that than here in a building that sits right off beautiful Miami Beach," Kieger continued, seemingly unnerved by the increasing water level brought about by high tide.

Krieger was thanking the press for coming when Rubio emerged from a back office following a brief struggle with the water current for control of the door.  The presidential hopeful smiled uncomfortably at the press as the door he fought so hard to open was slammed shut behind him by the same adversarial current.

Rubio seemingly looked at Krieger for help, but she just shrugged at him so he swashed his way to the podium. The senator's brown dress pants were thoroughly drenched at least up to where many in the press pool disturbingly posited his almost certainly shrunken testicles were most likely to be in the air conditioned building.


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